The Continuing Adventures of Peaches
by senorjustino
Summary: Taylor is at Brown University after a sad and lonely year in France. Will she help Seth get back with Summer? Will she steal Ryan out of the arms of Sadie? Will she find love for herself?
1. Chapter 1

Taylor Townsend sat and sipped her coffee, enjoying the late summer weather. Today was her first day at Brown University and her nerves were playing games with her. Why am I nervous? The young woman asked herself; she had no reason really to be. She had one year of school behind her at the Sorbonne and she had a friend in Summer to introduce her to her environmentalist friends. What then was the problem? Taylor knew that she was smart enough to survive the rigors of Ivy League academics and knew she was a friendly enough person to navigate the social rigors of Providence.

Summer. Things had changed for her a lot since leaving for G.E.O.R.G.E. last summer. When she had left to go on her political touring, she had been with Seth and all the world had seem perfect and right. Now things were different for them; that confidence in their relationship had been replaced by a secure knowledge that Seth in fact was not the right man for her. All the fears that Seth had held before Summer had left had been proven right. On the road, Summer had met men with brilliant minds and similar interests; they had made Summer even more dedicated and radical to the cause and that new world did not include Seth.

Summer had broken Seth's heart that summer upon returning from the road; she had cried for a good two days after wards but assured Taylor it was for the best. "It's not like I'm the first girl to think she loved someone and made a fool of herself before realizing she made a mistake." That was that; they had spent the summer going up and down California going to lectures and protests and over those three months, Summer and Taylor had bounded and reconnected.

For herself, Taylor had reasons for wanting to escape Newport. Her mother was less than happy to hear that she was coming back from France; she had spent all that money getting the girl back into the university and so when she heard she was leaving the Sorbonne after a year to finish her college career at Brown, she thought it was silly and because of a boy. It wasn't but that didn't ease Veronica's mind. Taylor at the Sorbonne had proven Taylor's exceptionalism. Her going to school on the east coast, while impressive, was not as impressive to Veronica as studying in one of the most famous and oldest schools in the world. Also, she had counted on being able to brag to her friends for three years about Taylor's life and studies in Paris.

For Taylor, Paris and France had become lonely and depressing. The past year in California with Summer and Seth and Ryan had been wonderful to her and the City of Lights had lost its charm after Julie Cooper's almost wedding. Summer had convinced her to study in Brown, and the fact that Ryan was dating an ex-girlfriend made the University of California at Berkeley a less than attractive choice. In truth, it helped that Brown was a better school that Berkeley and it gave Taylor more freedom to create her own academic curriculum.

As she finished her coffee, Taylor thought about Ryan. It had started out well for them; they had talked often and Taylor still found herself in love with him when she had come back to California for winter break. Ryan himself still seemed interested in the girl and they had spent a happy two weeks with one another. It was a shock to her system then when he told her in the middle of February that he was dating an ex—a girl named Sadie that she vaguely remembered meeting—and that he wanted to be friends. Newport, therefore, was filled with sad reminders of the love they had once shared. That was gone now; Ryan was very happy with his Sadie and there seemed to be no reason to expect them to separate anytime soon. It was strange and slightly amusing to Taylor's sense of sardonic humor that the four of them were living lives that not one of them could have foreseen a year ago.

"You ready for some learning?" It was Summer, a bottle of water in her hands. Since her year on the road, the young woman had become a professed vegan. It actually amazed Taylor that they were friends because Taylor had not caught up to Summer yet in her fanaticism over the cause and in truth Taylor was waiting for the day when Summer would cut her loose, just as she had cut loose Seth. "What time is your first class?  
"Middle Eastern history in half an hour."

"I know some people that took that my first semester." Technically Summer was still a freshman because had been first kicked out of school and then had taken a year off because of her work with G.E.O.R.G.E. Though she was a year behind Taylor in credits, she knew the campus like the back of her hand and was going to play the role of guide for Taylor at first.

"They like it?" Summer adjusted a strap on her peasant dress and told Taylor the things she had heard. "What do you have?"

"Introduction to environmental studies. The professor is my advisor so I'm pretty excited about it." Summer was in the Pre-Law program as well as the environmental studies program; her hopes were to become an EPA lawyer when she was done with law school. "Do you want to meet up later and get some lunch?"

"What time?"

"I don't know—around one?"

"Sure." They walked on in silence for a little while and as they walked, Taylor found herself fighting the urge to tell Summer about Seth. She had spent the evening with Seth and he still seemed miserable. It had been four months since Summer had returned and dropped the bomb on her former flame and he still did not seem happy. He had friends in Anna and Taylor, as well as people he knew from the Rhode Island School of Design, but it was a small comfort for the pain he still left. Taylor knew a little about pain herself in losing Ryan to another woman, and she expected that Summer too was not as well as she seemed; surely she hurt like Seth.

"Have you seen Seth lately?" Summer had a knack for anticipating Taylor's thoughts and Taylor's surprised reaction tipped the dark haired girl off. "Is he dating anyone?" It seemed a wild and unfeeling question for Summer to ask and Taylor did not hesitate to tell her so. "Sorry—I just want him to be happy."

"He's not happy—he loved you." Taylor had been shocked at the breakup and thought Summer to be acting completely wrong but Summer had her reasons and did not seem to want to listen to anyone else's logic.

"I loved him too" Summer almost sounded annoyed at her friend; she had loved Seth but he just wasn't the right one for her—he was too cynical and didn't believe in anything. She needed a man that shared her passion or at least believed deeply in a cause. They passed by a building and Summer stopped. "Let's not fight about this okay? You're my only friend from back home and I don't want to fight about this."

"Summer." Taylor stared deeply into her friend's dark eyes and saw how much she wanted not to fight about this, how much she cared about Taylor. "I don't want to fight about this either." She hugged Summer tightly and then said goodbye for this was the building Summer needed to be. "I'll call you later okay?"

"Sounds good." Summer was all smiles again and waved goodbye to her friend.


	2. Chapter 2

For once in her life, Taylor Townsend was running late. Her biology lab had gone on longer than normal and Taylor found herself entering the restaurant a good ten minutes later than planned. Pausing by the hostess station, her eyes glanced around the restaurant, searching for Seth's curly head.

"May I help you miss?" The hostess sounded annoyed that Taylor had dared seek out seating for herself.

"I'm looking for some friends—tall and skinny guy and a skinny, funky looking blonde girl?" The hostess shrugged her shoulders and suggested Taylor look around some.

"Hey Taylor—we were wondering about you." Anna had spotted Taylor from their corner booth—she must have completely overlooked her two friends. "What kept you?"

"Lab."

"Oh yea tell me about it—bio lab kicked my ass last year." Anna Stern had been the first person Seth had introduced Taylor when she had arrived in Newport; she was a junior at Brown, studying English and popular culture; Taylor and Anna had hit it off instantly and they become two of Seth's best friends.

"Sorry I'm late." Seth smiled away her apology, and continued on with his day's adventures. "What happened?"

"Oh professor Stephens didn't like the work I was doing for the drafting project—he thought it liked imagination."

"But I thought you told me he loved it!" Professor Stephens was not the easiest man to please, and Seth again told Taylor it was so.

"He did love it yesterday—he told me I was going someone good with it"

"What are you going to do now?"

"Nothing—just doing what I'm doing until he loves it again." Anna and Taylor both laughed and told Seth that Brown had hardly complicated at all compared to RISD. They fell into an easy conversation and Taylor, as she looked at Anna and then Seth, was pleased that she had fallen into such a good and comfortable routine.

It was a month into the school year and Taylor was going well at school and had began to put together a nice little group of friends; certainly Paris and her year at the Sorbonne had helped her mature because now she saw herself as a well spoken, smart, funny and easy person to get along with. True she did obsess and worry about things obsessively from time to time, but the crazy girl she had been two, even one year ago, was being replaced.

"Oh Taylor I forgot to tell you that I talked to Atwood today."

"What's new with him?" She found now that she could talk about Ryan without blushing or any undo anxiety.

"Not much—busy with school; he's coming down next weekend with Sadie." Seth and Anna watched as a flicker of pain and concern passed over Taylor's face. It was one thing to talk about him; it was another to see him, which she would undoubtedly do. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine—thanks." The waitress handed Taylor a menu and she busied herself looking for something to eat while Anna and Seth talked. "How long is he staying for?" The nachos sounded good—and while she was at it—so did some cheese fries.

"From Thursday to Monday—they have a break or something." Seth eyed Taylor closely. "You cool with him coming?"

"Of course—I mean, he's over me and I'm over him—it can't be that awkward right. Plus, he's coming to see you so I wouldn't want to put a damper in anyone's plans."

"Plus if it gets weird you'll have me as moral support." Anna laid a hand on Taylor's arm and smiled at the girl affectionately. Anna liked Taylor a lot; they had a lot to talk about in regards of comic books, Asian cinema and literature.

"Thanks." Taylor flagged over the waitress and placed her order and then settled back into her seat; the information that she was going to be seeing Ryan again continued to sink into my mind and imagination. She had hardly seen him at all that summer—maybe twice—and both times had been awkward. Slowly, as the summer and fall progressed, Taylor had found herself thinking about him less and less and noticing other guys more and more. "Sadie's nice?"

"Yeah she was pretty cool—very much the anti-Marissa."

"Ryan must be happy then."

"He sounds happy yeah." If Taylor was ever destined to hate Sadie, her journey

would not be starting that day; no one that could make Ryan happy could be hated in Taylor's eyes, even if she did steal away her love. "How about you Taylor—any guys on the horizon?"

"There's a couple of cute guys in my Arabic class but I don't know—I haven't really thought about it." Truth be told, she had been asked out once or twice, but she had said no—was she using her break up with Ryan as an excuse not to get hurt again?

"We should all go out to _The Old Fisherman_ when they get here—maybe find some worth sea men." Anna laughed at her own little pun but Taylor liked the idea; they were both single and attractive young women, and if Ryan was going to be showing off Sadie, then Taylor should find herself a man as well. She had promised herself that she wasn't going to try and get a guy just so she could show Ryan that she was over him, but the more Anna talked about getting dolled up and painting the town red, the better the idea sounded.

"You in Seth? We can find you some wild Brown girls." Anna was determined to find Seth a girl; she herself was not interested in dating him—she knew how hung up he still was on Summer—but she hoped that another girl would turn his head and eventually make him forgot the dark haired beauty that had broken his heart.

"I don't know—maybe." He looked so sad and confused about the prospect of seeing another girl that Taylor's heart swooned. If he wasn't the ex-boyfriend of her good friend Summer, and if he wasn't the best friend of the man she had once loved to distraction, she would have considered titling her cap at him herself. As it was, she reached over and squeezed his hand in sympathy.

"It gets easier." She had assured him that many times before, but lately his eyes betrayed a loss of hope. "It will never go away completely but it gets easier."

Taylor's nachos arrived and as she daintily took one, she noticed Seth eyeing her with affection and gratitude.


	3. Chapter 3

"They're late." Anna checked her watch again and laughed at Taylor, who was becoming increasingly nervous. "I guess dinner ran later than Seth thought." Anna and Taylor had made plans to meet Ryan, Seth and Sadie later in the evening; the two Californians had arrived just that afternoon and Seth had been anxious all day about their arrival.

"You think I look okay?" Taylor was clearly interested in making a good impression on both Ryan and Sadie; she didn't want to be completely eclipsed by Ryan's new love interest.

"You look great—the guys are going to be drooling over you." They were all meeting up at the _Local Bar and Grille_ and tonight, luckily for the girls, was ladies' night. "How about me? Hot enough for some lonely sea man?"

"You look amazing." Taylor laughed at her own nervousness and Anna's confidence. She was very nervous about this evening; how would it be seeing Ryan again? Would she get along at all with Sadie? What if, and this was a big if, Summer happened to be out and about tonight? She hadn't told her friend that Ryan was in town and no doubt Summer would be displeased if Ryan did not make a single effort to see her. Honestly though, Ryan had little to say to Summer and seeing the girl would only be a difficult and weird situation.

"I see them." Taylor looked in the direction that Anna's eyes were focused and took a deep intake of breath as she saw Ryan and Sadie approaching them. They walked, hand in hand and were obviously happy with one another. "You okay?"

"Yea I'm fine." Turning to face the three, Taylor plastered on her face the friendliest welcome she could force. "Hey guys." Ryan and Sadie smiled warmly at the girl and Sadie even went as far enough to reach out her hand and shake Taylor's.

"Hey—I don't know if you remember me?"

"Of course—we met this summer—briefly." Turning to Anna, Taylor introduced Sadie to her blonde friend. "Did you guys have a good flight?"

"Yeah it wasn't too bad—most of the time Ryan slept."

"Aww." The five of them went into the bar together and showed their ID's. "This is a pretty fun place—great virgin margaritas."

"Well I like the sound of that." Sadie took Ryan's hand and smiled at him; Taylor, standing next to Ryan, could sense his nervousness. It calmed her slightly to know that he too was less than comfortable with being around his former love. "There's a really nice place in Berkeley that we go to a lot."

"Yeah—they get some really good bands there."

"Kind of your own personal _Bait Shop_?" The hostess led them to a large booth and handed out the menus. Settling in next to Anna, Taylor found herself face to face to Sadie, Ryan to her left. "Where did you go to dinner?" She turned to Seth, who seemed pleased to have all these people together for him.

"_Mario's._" It was a nice Italian place that Taylor had gone to with Summer once—it had turned out to be a failed outing because Summer had issue with practically everything on the menu. It was becoming increasingly difficult to find any place to go out to except for the two vegan restaurants that smelt, in Taylor's opinion. Ryan chimed in and told Taylor how well he had liked it. At least he's talking to me on his accord, Taylor thought to herself. He looked very well and seemed very happy to be with Sadie. The girl herself was very pretty and seemed easy going enough; their happiness only increased Taylor's desire to find a man for herself that night.

"You guys know what you want to drink?" The waitress came by and took their drink orders, virgin margaritas all around. "I'll be right back." The five buried themselves quietly in their menus and Taylor looked intently through her menu, trying to ignore the sickenly sweet way Ryan and Sadie were interacting with each other. Taylor put down her menu, pleased with her decision of a hamburger, and looked over to see what Anna was doing. She too had put down the menu and the two girls exchanged a glance that seemed to say, so far, so good.

"So what are you guys planning to do while in Rhode Island?" Anna eyed Sadie intently, trying to see how Sadie stacked up when compared to Taylor; so far, Anna found the interloper lacking. "Tour of Brown maybe?"

"That might be fun—I think Ryan would get a kick out of that." Sadie seemed enthusiastic. She knew that Ryan had a love for architecture and she tried, desperately, to find a passion for all the things Ryan loved.

"You'll have to find another tour guide for that." Seth himself refused to set foot on the Brown campus; he might run into Summer or some of her environmentalist friends, the foremost being Che. "Get Townsend to show you around."

"Sure." Ryan and Taylor exchanged nervous glances and Taylor was about to excuse herself of the duty when the waitress came back with their drinks. She duly asked if they were ready to place their order, which they did, in turns. "You have time to show us around?" Taylor looked to Anna for help and then sighed in appreciation when her friend agreed to help share the tour guide role.

"You'll get a good tour with the two of us. Do you guys want to see the campus tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah that sounds fun." The music in the restaurant, which had previously been Duke Ellington, was replaced by some more modern and danceable. "Only if we can dance tonight though." Sadie tugged at Ryan's arm and he smiled shyly at his girlfriend's excitement about dancing. "You promised me at least one dance tonight remember?"

"I remember." Unwilling and unable to fight Sadie's desire, Ryan let himself be lead off onto the empty dance floor.

"Looks like it's almost mating season." Anna raised her margarita glass to Taylor's and they clicked glasses. "Here's to finding a hot man."

"Amen to that." Out of the corner of her eye, Taylor watched as Sadie danced closely to Ryan, moving her body along his.


	4. Chapter 4

As the night wore on, the five found themselves at the bar. Their waitress had gone home for the evening and the five friends thought it would be fun to sit at the bar for the rest of the evening. They were all having a good time, including Seth, who seemed to be happier now that Ryan was here.

"They seem happy." Taylor and Seth watched Sadie and Ryan slow dance and as Taylor said those words, she felt her heart sink a little.

"Has it been hard?"

"Seeing him so happy—yeah, a little. I loved him."

"He loved you." Seth wanted to make sure that Taylor knew that; she shook her head. Obviously he had not loved her enough.

"We had a good time together though." Taylor wished she could have a legal, alcoholic drink, because she was starting to feel depressed. The evening had been a good one so far, but now, suddenly, the crushing truth that Ryan had moved on and was so very happy in his new relationship was pressing on Taylor. It was one thing to imagine Ryan with another girl, it was completely different to see him with another girl, and so happy. "It's definitely time to move on." Seth only smiled at his friend and as she took a sip of her soda, she eyed the bar and dance scene, trying to notice any good looking men.

There was one rather cute guy at the end of the bar by himself, and Taylor felt the temptation to go and talk to him. Would that be too forward, she asked herself? In her mind she knew that going home alone tonight, without at least getting a number, was not an option.

"Where's Anna?" She had gone to the bathroom a few minutes ago but had not returned. Seth and Taylor both rose from their bar stools and took notice on the couples on the dance floor; they found her rather easily, dancing with a rather cute looking young man with sandy blonde hair. "Looks like she got diverted."

"Not a bad choice though." Anna seemed to be enjoying herself; Taylor watched as she waved and gave a wink to Sadie and Ryan.

"Maybe he has a friend."

"Maybe." Taylor smiled at her friend, hoping that he was enjoying himself. "I hope that you're having an okay time?"

"Sure." Taylor really wanted to set Seth up with someone, but she didn't know many girls that would be a worth match for him, and besides, he was far from ready. "I wonder where Summer is." He looked at her pointedly, knowing full well that Taylor knew exactly where Summer was.

"She's out at a Green Party meeting." Summer was highly involved with the Brown Greens—so far she had dragged Taylor to a few meetings—but radical politics weren't really her thing. "She's not dating anyone if that's what you're wanting to know."

"Whatever she wants to do is fine by me." Taylor laughed at Seth's attempt at bravo; he was obviously not fine with what she was doing. "Do you like her friends?"

"They're nice." They were nice enough for Taylor, but she did feel resent towards them because Taylor believed they were leading Summer down a bad path. "I don't always have a lot to talk to them about." She knew they weren't really crazy about her, but so far Summer had shown solidarity to her oldest remaining girlfriend.

The song was over and Anna managed to separate herself from her dance partner.

"Why aren't you guys dancing?" Anna wiped sweat from her forehead and took a drink of water. "They're actually playing some good music tonight."

"Maybe. Who was your friend?" Taylor gave the blonde a knowing look. "He's kind of cute."

"And available—and he has a friend." She pointed down to the end of the bar, where the lonely guy had been sitting earlier. Now he was joined by Anna's dance partner. "We should go say hi." Taylor giggled; she liked the sound of that. "Do you mind Cohen?" Anna hated to leave Seth by himself but it would be doubly weird if they brought him along as well. "We won't be too long."

"No—you guys go ahead."

"You sure?" Taylor took a glance at the dance floor; Ryan and Sadie seemed glued to it. "I don't want to abandon you."

"I'll be fine Taylor—I'm a big boy." Anna took Taylor away and they approached the two young men; Taylor took another look at a sad looking Seth and sighed to herself. She hated seeing him so miserable.

"Hey Anna." The shorter of the two men, the one with sandy blonde hair, gave her a large grin as she led Taylor up to them. "How's it going—I'm Adam." He reached out his hand to Taylor and as he shook her hand, his eyes were warm with interest.

"Taylor—how's it going?"

"I'm good." His friend, taller and in Taylor's mind, better looking, turned around and took notice of the two young women. "This is my friend Greg."

"Hey." The girls chimed and accepted the two seats offered to them. "You guys having fun?" Anna was good at this whole small talk thing, and as she listened, Taylor was duly impressed. She was always nervous at first meeting someone.

"It's getting better now." Greg was obviously attracted to Taylor and showed his interest by offering to buy her a drink.

"Thanks but I'm not twenty-one." She really needed to work on getting a fake ID.

"But I'm friends with the bartender." He called over the bartender, whom he called by name. "What would you girls like?"

"A glass of wine." Anna told him to make it two. "Thanks—even though I'm not sure how impressed I should be that you know the bartender on a first name basis."

"Well we come here a lot." Anna and Adam had paired off by now and had taken back off to the dance floor; her glass of wine sat on the bar unattended.

"Students?"

"Yeah—at Providence—you?"

"Anna and I go to Brown."

"Well I didn't realize I was in the presence of such geniuses."

"You aren't—but thanks." His gaze unsettled her; she used the opportunity of sipping her wine to see how Seth was fairing. There he sat, looking furlong out onto the dance floor. .

"You know him?"

"Just a friend." Greg was pleased that it wasn't someone else that appealed to her sense of aesthetic more. "He's been kind of down since his girlfriend broke up wit him."

"Yeah—I know how that feels." Greg finished his beer and asked if Taylor wanted to dance.

"No thanks—not really in the dancing mood—I'm more of a talker." The wine tasted good; it was strong and warm and it made her head feel a little weak. "You just get out of a relationship?"

"A couple of months ago—it was pretty rough."

"Welcome to the lonely hearts club." She clinked her wine glass to his empty beer bottle and told him that she had had her heart broken over the summer.

"Amen to that." He ordered another beer and watched Taylor as she finished her glass. "You want another one?" She mentioned Anna's lonely glass and thanked him as he handed it to him. "You're really beautiful." Greg smiled as she laughed and blushed. "You want to go out sometime?"

"Don't you move fast?" She liked his audacity; it was so different from Ryan's slow pace. He apologized but Taylor stopped him. "No—I like it; believe me, it's nice when a guy goes after what he wants."

"Let me get your number." Without a though, Taylor reached into her purse and pulled out a pen. "I promise to make use of it."

"You better." She flashed him her gorgeous smile and scribbled down her number. "You seem sweet."

"I am."

"Good—so I can't wait to hear from you." Taylor looked back at Seth and felt anxious to get back to him. "Call me." She rose to leave and smiled when Greg tried to stop her. "I want to get back to my friend—but I can't wait to talk again." She leaned into his hug and waved goodbye as she walked away.


	5. Chapter 5

"This is such a pretty campus." Sadie was very impressed as Anna and Taylor walked them through green, sunlit, campus. The young woman, as she squeezed Ryan's hand, looked at the old brink buildings with wide eye. She had found Berkeley very pretty, but to her, Brown University was magnificent, something out of a BBC program. "How old is Brown?"

"About two hundred years or so—give or take." Neither Taylor nor Anna could remember the exact year the college was founded. "But you like it?"

"I love it." As they walked, Taylor and Anna talked, happy to share their love for this place. Certainly Taylor loved this campus, and as she told a story about one of the science buildings, she could feel Ryan's admiring glance upon her. His eyes were warm with affection and friendship and it pleased her to know that they had made strides so far towards friendship.

"This is Summer's favorite place." Taylor motioned to a small green space where two oak trees provided their shade and obscurity. "She always comes here to study." Taylor let her hand set on the trees' ancient bark and smiled wistfully. "I somehow get dragged out under this tree a lot—usually to talk." The girl tried to smile at Ryan, but a cloud of anger had passed over his face.

"There are some nicer trees near the Philosophy department." The air had felt poisonous and Anna was anxious not to spoil this fine morning. "Why don't we check them out?" The moment had passed, for now, but Taylor felt a cold sweet on her neck as she thought of the frost that had passed over Ryan's eyes when she had spoken of Summer. It was well that Summer had class and meetings all morning; a meeting between her and Ryan would have not been pretty.

She only half listened to Anna's words and she walked beside her. Summer had been pleased to hear Ryan was visiting Seth and had told Taylor to say hello for her, but she knew that her friend's message would not be well regarded. It was now awkward being caught in the middle of all this; Summer and Seth had made it easy on her at least by being completely fine with Taylor's friendship with the other. Seth did not resent Taylor's close ties to Summer—in fact he regarded Taylor as kind of a spy—and Summer did not want to lose her last remaining link to her Newport past. Besides, Taylor had always been there for her in the past—she could not imagine making her friend choose sides.

Ryan's eyes were on her and she wondered if he at least resented Taylor for not picking Seth over Summer. It was true that Summer had behaved poorly; Taylor herself had tried to argue on Seth's behalf the entire summer, but to no avail. Would he or did he consider Taylor an enemy or a poor friend to Seth? So far Ryan had been sweet enough—and it had certainly seemed earlier in the morning that there could be a solid friendship there—maybe it was her imagination, maybe not.

"Hello Townsend." Anna beamed with delight at her friend's confusion. "You totally zoned out there." Taylor smiled in apology and then listened as Anna told her she and Sadie were running off to the bathroom and would be back shortly.

"You okay?" Ryan's look of concern made her previous fears fade slightly.

"I'm fine." An awkwardness descended on them both; Ryan cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes. Taylor too felt like she wanted to say something but could not think of anything funny to say. It was the first time they had been alone since they had broken up and Taylor thought that maybe friendship was really a long way off. They both started to say something at the same time and as she laughed, she told him to go first.

"How's Seth, really?"

"He has his days—happy sometimes, pretty miserable the next; doesn't he talk to you?"

"Sometimes—sometimes he doesn't call me back for a couple of days. I don't know; I figure since you see him so much that you'd have a better perceptive."

"It's been tough—for him and Sum…"

"I don't want to hear about Summer." That was closed to him and she saw a sudden anger in his face. "She completely crushed him without cause."

"I know—I told her."

"Thank you."

"For what?" She was confused for a moment but then he told her how good she had been to Seth, for Seth. It meant the world to him that she was being so sweet and good to his friend. "You know I love Seth." The word love seemed to cause him a moment's pain and it confused her. "What—I didn't mean I love Seth like"

"We loved each other." The words stopped her cold. "Sorry—that was a pretty bad example."

"Not the best one, no."

"Are we okay?" He watched intently her hazel eyes ponder the question.

"Are you happy?"

"Very happy."

"Happier with her than you were with me?"

"Taylor." She shook her head and apologized, that was not a fair question and she knew it. "I loved you."

"You told me that on New Year's Day." She sighed deeply and looked down the pathway that Anna and Sadie had gone down a few minutes ago; no one was in sight. "Yet by March first you were with Sadie and I was crying into my pillow—how does that work?"

"The long distance thing—it was tough on us; remember? You weren't crazy about it." He took her hand and made her make eye contact with him. "We weren't together—remember? Ever since you went off to Paris we decided to see what would happen. Sadie happened."

"Do you love her?"

"Yes." She had been expecting it but it was a hard blow all the same. She had thought she was over Ryan Atwood, but that simple one word had made her heart fall apart instantly. "Taylor?" There were tears forming in her eyes, eyes that had moved Ryan to romance and love; now they only moved him to pity.

"I have to go." He grabbed her by the arm and stopped her. "What do you want to hear from me Ryan?"

"I'm so sorry Taylor—I wanted this weekend to be fun for us, to be friends."

"We will." She smiled through her tears. "I'm happy for her and for you—she's sweet." Out of the corner of her eye she could see Sadie and Anna finally coming back; they must have gone and gotten coffees because Anna was walking up the path with a carrier with four cups with _Starbucks_ written on them. "Tell Anna I'll call her later." Before Ryan could protest Taylor took off, her head down and her hand wiping away a tear.


	6. Chapter 6

Taylor lay in her bed, feeling foolish about her earlier breakdown. Sure, everything had been smoothed over; she had spoken to Anna and Ryan, but it still made her feel idiotic to have broken down like that in front of him.

She lifted herself up onto her elbow and saw that it was eight-thirty in the evening. Sighing to herself, she flopped down back onto her pillow, slightly mortified that she was home alone on a Friday night. It was her own choice not to go to the movie with them, she told herself. The two girls who lived next store to her turned their music up loud and she could hear the excited shouts of two young men. Someone was going to get lucky tonight, she told herself, and it wasn't going to be her.

There was a knock at her door and she decided to ignore it; no doubt it was someone from the party next store seeing if Taylor was interested in joining them. She wasn't. There was another knock and Taylor was about to tell the person to leave her alone when she heard Summer's voice.

"You in there Taylor?"

"Just a minute." Springing to life, she opened the door in and let Summer in. "Hey Summer—I thought you had a dinner party tonight?"

"I do—I did. You just sounded so sad over the phone this afternoon—what happened?"

"Nothing." They sat down on her bed and Taylor chuckled as Summer gave her a look. "Okay I had a little melt down today."

"About Atwood?"

"Yeah—we were just talking and I don't know—we started talking about us."

"Brought back a lot of bad memories?" Taylor nodded and fell into Summer's hug. "Was he mean to you or something?"

"He didn't mean to be—I just needed to hear it and now I know."

"Know what?"

"That he loves Sadie—he's really completely moved on. I think I was using him as an excuse not to date; but now that I know he's really moved on."

"Now you can too—didn't you get some guy's number last night?"

"Yeah I did—and I'm kind of glad that I had that talk with Ryan now because otherwise I probably would have torpedoed whatever happened with Gregg."

"Are you and Ryan okay now?"

"I think so—we talked this afternoon and I apologized." She had told him she hadn't meant to have freaked out on him so much that morning; her period was approaching any day now, she had told him, and she was always extra sensitive right before then. "It's almost my period so you know I can get."

"Yeah—some of my best fights with Cohen was when I was on my period." They sat on the bed in silence and listened to the party next store. "Do you want to come with me to the dinner party tonight? We're doing Boca burgers."

"I think I'm just going to stay in. Do you have to leave soon?"

"No—I can get there whenever." Summer smiled and asked if Taylor wanted to watch a movie or go back to her dorm and help her do some Green Party protest planning.

"A movie might be nice—I have some new anime."

"You totally are the female Cohen—in a good way I mean." Summer asked Taylor how he was doing. "You know, I'm glad that you're friends."

"I know—if you can't look out for him, someone needs to."

"Ryan doesn't exactly like me anymore—does he?" She held up a movie for Taylor's approval. "I know I didn't make the Cohens very happy."

"It was really hard on him."

"He'll move on though—right?"

"Of course—I mean, Ryan found someone and now I'm officially in the dating pool with Anna."

"I know—it's nice." Summer slid back onto the bed with Taylor and looked at her friend, suddenly very serious. "I want to start dating again." Taylor felt her heart skip a beat; this was going to crush Seth.

"Oh—so soon?"

"Not soon—we've been broken up since May." She eyed her friend closely and saw the sadness in Taylor's eyes. "You disapprove?"

"Summer—I" Her friend's face looked hurt and lonely and as she did, she realized that this step had been no doubt inevitable. "I was just surprised for a second." She smiled reassuringly to the dark haired girl. "Do you like somebody?"

"There's this guy Matt—I know him through P.E.T.A. We get coffee from time to time."

"You think he's interested?" Summer wiped an errant strand of hair from her eyes and grinned; she was obviously warming up to the girl talk.

"He's made his interests known yes—I just haven't been sure if I was ready yet."

"And now you think you're ready?"

"Yes—I got so jealous hearing about you and Anna, meeting cute guys." She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know—I guess it made me realize that I missed dating and wanted to start seeing people again."

"Well if you're ready Summer—I say go for it." Maybe this was truly it, maybe this truly was the end of Seth and Summer? Taylor had been holding out hope that her friend would realize what she was missing with Seth and realize that she had been acting foolish in breaking up with him. Now, it seemed like Summer was in fact looking to strike out confidently in the dating world.

"Maybe we could double if it works out with your guy?"

"Sure—we could do that." As she watched her friend's happiness, she thought of how she was going to break the news to Seth. She really didn't want him to know, but at the same time, she didn't want him to find out while out on a night on the town. Keeping secrets from him was the best possible way to lose a friendship with him. "Is he going to be there tonight?"

"At the dinner part? No, I don't think so." Summer got down back onto the floor and started looking through Taylor's movie collection again. "I'm not going to go tonight either."

"Why so?" Summer held up another movie—something more girlie then the previous choice.

"Well all this talk about boys and dating has brought out the inner-girlie girl and I think we should have a total movie marathon."

"I like that sound of that Summer." Taylor watched as her friend turned on the DVD player and put the movie in. "Thanks for coming over tonight and for blowing off your party."

"I'd rather be here." She smiled; Summer sat down on the bed and watched Taylor as she started to busy herself with the microwavable popcorn.


	7. Chapter 7

Taylor lay in bed, comfortable and spent. The moonlight broke through the bedroom window and fell upon a vase of roses, mixing white tints with the blood red of the flowers. She watched the white light mix with the red as she listened to Gregg's soft breathing and thought that the moment gave a silver tint to the end of each rose.

Rising softly, she gazed down affectionately at her sleeping boyfriend and ran her fingers lightly through his air. Gregg stirred slightly but continued to sleep. Gazing her at watch, she noticed the time: three o'clock in the morning. Her flight for Newport was leaving in five hours and she had to be at the airport in four.

Slipping back down into the bed, she covered herself with the blanket and tried to get back to sleep. What was keeping her up? What had woken her from her sleep? Taylor was drowsy, but her mind was racing with memories and with anxieties about going back home to Newport; her mother was always unpredictable and she wasn't sure if this Thanksgiving her mother would be glad to see her daughter or not.

"I suppose I can sleep on the plane." She told herself as she turned over once more. A car drove through the street and the way in switched into second gear vaguely reminded her of the way Ryan's car sounded when he picked up speed. Ryan. No doubt his ghost would haunt the streets of Newport this Thanksgiving. As she lay in bed, Taylor thought of Ryan and the months of happiness she had received from him. He was Sadie's now; they were still happy and their relationship was strong. She could read it in the emails she received from him; they did not come often, and they were not as long as she would have liked them to bed, but it was good to hear from him and she was glad for his friendship. Still, she told herself, it would be strange and slightly sad to walk the streets of Newport and know that they had both moved on from that time and place that had such a magical meaning to her. That magical past made her anxious because she knew that she could not step back into it anymore then she could return to Paris and find the old magic there. The City of Lights had become cold and empty as well.

That Newport, the Newport of Ryan and Taylor, as was the Paris of Taylor and Henri-Michael, was dead, just as nature seemed to die in this cold New England autumn and winter. Though she had thought these things before, she always felt a small sadness at the realization that it was a dead past, much like the past that Summer and Seth had shared was dead and lifeless. These thoughts and memories recalled to Taylor _In Search of Lost Time_;

In this respect, and because I preferred not to go there in search of what had given me pleasure in the past, a stroll through Doncieres might have seemed to me a prefiguration of an arrival in paradise. We dream much of paradise, or rather of a number of successive paradises, but each of them is, long before we die, a paradise lost, in which we should feel ourself lost too.

Would then Newport be a lost paradise to her? Would she wander the streets of her old home like a foreign traveler? No doubt she hardly thought of Newport as being home any longer.

She had spent so much time in Paris and then in Rhode Island that her life in California seemed to her to belong to someone else, a stranger that she would not recognize. Gregg rolled his body again and now faced Taylor. He still slept and this offered her the opportunity to study his sleeping figure.

Gregg had called her like he said he would; he had not kept Taylor waiting very long. It was two nights after he had met her that he had called her; she was out with Ryan, Sadie and Seth at the time and so his message went into voicemail. That next weekend they had gone out on a date and it had been going well since then. Taylor wasn't in love but she was happy; he made her laugh and smile and she could see a bright future for the both of them.

Yes, as the weather grew colder and colder, the future seemed to crystallize, like a beautiful snowflake. Summer was happy with the man that had wanted her; Anna was dating Adam, Ryan was happy with Sadie and Taylor was happy with Gregg. Only poor Seth, who had been crushed at Summer's decision to start dating, was not happy. He had left the previous morning for San Francisco while Summer was had left two days previous to see her father in Seattle.

For Seth, the fact that Summer was dating had made him nostalgic of his high school days and his Newport past; he tried one or two sorties to ambush Summer before or after her dates, but it had only ended awkwardly for him, Summer had been furious on both occasions and Taylor had found herself having to play both peace keeper and counselor for the two of them. Seth's sadness and defeat had been the only blight on the past two months in fact, and Taylor hoped that this time in Berkeley with family and friends would be enough to get him to refocus and find more positives in life.

On her side now, Taylor reached out and put her arms around Gregg's waist. She pulled herself closer and sighed at the warmth and strength of his body. As her fingers rested on his hips, she thought of the first time they had made love. Halloween had come and some of his friends at Providence had thrown a costume party; she had worn a French maid's outfit at his request and Taylor smiled to herself at the memory of how his eyes had followed her the entire evening; his hands had been constantly on her the car ride home and when they had finally gotten into the doorway, his body was on her, consuming her. He had devoured her that night and it still made her weak in the knees to think about how he had taken her.

He had been more tender the second time; it had been more candles and rosebuds. The memory of the rosebuds made her look over to the vase of roses that lay by the window. The moon light had shifted now and that silvery tint was off the flowers; she had brought those over when he had been sick the previous week. The cold did that to people, even those who knew how to handle the cold; certainly a year in Paris had groomed her for that because she could deal with it in ways that Summer and Seth could not; at least they had that in common still.

In her memory she could remember how those rosebuds had looked in the candle light, how they had felt in her fingertips. As he had made love to her, sweetly and tenderly, she thought how perfect pleasure was, and that there was really nothing more fine than good food, good wine and good sex. The wine and the beef lingered still on her tongue, just as the memory of his mouth and tongue had felt on her naked and hot flesh was freshly imprinted in her mind.

It would all pass eventually though; the moment of remembering pleasures and sexual ecstasies had past and her thoughts were replaced by images of the past, of with Ryan and Henri-Michael. At times she had thought her life complete then; that with these men life would be perfect and good. They had given her exquisite pleasures that she thought would stay with her forever, but those memories had faded and were simply jumbled. Would these times with Gregg become jumbled as well? No doubt they would; her days and nights with him would too become a paradise lost. Brown and the city that she lived in, all the cafes that she went with Anna and Seth—they would all become lost paradises which would not welcome her anymore—she would not feel welcome in anymore. Brown University would become what Newport was to her now, an old home that did not fit her existence any longer.

Such a realization passed through her body; it was an unfamiliar one, but it was still a sad one. She thought of all the bedrooms and rooms that she had spent so much time in; Taylor would not revisit them any more. All the people that had played an important part in her life, be it in high school or in Paris, they would pass further and further away from her life. Could it be that one day Summer, Seth, Anna or Ryan would die and Taylor would not know? Would they simply fade from her existence, live as dying memories until the day she was old and senile, the past an obliterated slate? The thought of such ripped her heart in two anew.

Gregg's calm and happy face did not soothe her. She was young still; there was nothing to ensure that he would be the one she spent the rest of her life with—in fact, it was a very small chance he would be the one. All this time together, where would it lead? No doubt one day they would break up and she would become just a girl he dated; she would be lost in a sea of other memories and when her last breath passed from her lips, she would be a mostly forgotten figure; her fragrance and her touch and the small nuances of her voice would be forgotten or mixed with those of another girl. Time would break her down in his mind just as time would break him down in hers. When they died, neither would mourn the other, neither would know the other had passed. They would simply be watching the clouds and feel the warm air blow through the world.

Yes, she would need to get some sleep on the plane.


	8. Chapter 8

Taylor waited patiently for the professor to arrive and as she did, she glanced at the faces around her. She didn't recognize any of her classmates to be; no doubt they were all religious studies majors and Taylor certainly was not one of those. She checked her watch once again and saw that the professor was due in another five minutes; he was apparently one of the foremost scholars of Islamic history so she was excited about meeting him and learning from him.

A pretty young woman sat down next to Taylor and smiled at her. The young woman was petite and blonde; she had gorgeous blue eyes and full, ruby lips and there was something about her that Taylor found instantly inviting and comfortable. For whatever reason, she thought that this girl could become a very good friend.

"Did you draw that?" The young woman motioned to the anime character Seth had drawn on the cover of Taylor's notebook.

"No my friend did—do you like anime?"

"I love it." The girl smiled excitedly and wrapped off her favorite movies and cartoons; they were all that Seth and Taylor loved themselves. "That's so cool."

"Yeah." She liked her enthusiasm. "I'm Taylor."

"Cordelia." She laughed at Taylor's surprise. "I know it's a strange name—my dad teaches Shakespeare at UMASS and _Lear _is his favorite play."

"I like it—it's different." They continued to talk about their mutual love for anime and as they did, Taylor could not stop thinking that this young woman would be the perfect girl for Seth. He had mentioned to Taylor over winter break that he thought he was ready to date again—if Cordelia was free then she would be great, or so she seemed. Taylor put the breaks on her enthusiasm as she realized that she had to find more out about this girl then just her love of anime.

"Are you religious studies major? I don't think I've seen you in a class before."

"No—Arabic and linguistics. My advisor told me I should take this to get a better understanding of Islam."

"Well Dr. White is amazing—I took his introduction to Middle Eastern religions last semester and I loved it."

"I heard he was a good teacher—is he tough?"

"He's really hard—but you learn a lot and it's worth all the hard work." Taylor liked the sound of that—she hated professors that were too easy on their students; to her, she didn't want her intelligence insulted by a person with a PhD who thought they were better than their students. "What do you want to do with linguistics?"

"I don't know—my advisor told me there is really good money working for the government—CIA or FBI." Taylor didn't really know what she wanted to do, but she knew that knowing Arabic and linguistics would be highly marketable careers.

"Yeah I have a cousin who works for the CIA—she isn't an agent or anything but she loves what she does—she has this fabulous apartment in Georgetown."

"That's what I want too." Taylor wasn't materialistic or a snob, but she was used to a certain lifestyle and didn't know she could survive not living that lifestyle. Obviously Taylor was too independent to ever marry a man just for his money and did not want to be under her mother's thumb for the rest of her life because of her money. Getting a high paying career would give her the independence she knew she deserved and craved. "My mom can be a bitch sometimes about my allowance."

"Same here." They started sharing war stories about their respective mothers but the arrival of Professor White cut them short. The two girls, and the entire class, gave their full attention to their professor. He was an older man, in his early sixties, and oozed intelligence and class. Taylor felt her heart instantly melt for him and as she smiled at Cordelia, she saw that her new friend had a school girl crush on the professor as well. Their exchanged smiles communicated to one another that he was intelligent and sexy and Cordelia's smile and wink conferred an apology to Taylor: she should have warmed her about that. It was no secret that many a young woman fell hard for this brilliant professor.

The class did not go long that day, and after wards the two girls left with another, giggling like two girls in middle school who have a violent crush on their just out of college teacher.

"Oh my god he's hot." Taylor had always had a thing for older men, just not a man this old. "I'm going to love this class."

"You'll have competition though—most of his female students develop a crush."

"Does anything ever happen?"

"There are rumors." She shrugged her shoulders; Cordelia had never let her crush develop beyond anything of vague daydreams. "Are you free for a while?"

"Another hour then I have Arabic."

"Want to get some coffee?"

"Absolutely." They went off and got their coffee, and as they did, Taylor told Cordelia more about her life and what she had done over the winter break. Newport had been quiet that Christmas. Summer was in Seattle with her father and Seth was in Berkeley with Ryan and the Cohens. She visited both Summer and Seth briefly over the break and had seen Ryan as well—he was still with Sadie and seemed happy, though Seth hinted that they had been fighting over small and meaningless things more and more often.

Taylor asked Cordelia about her life, if she had a boyfriend—a question she waited anxiously to hear answered.

"No—I was seeing this guy but we broke up around Thanksgiving. How about you?"

"Yeah—I've been seeing Gregg since September." They were going strong still, though Taylor was not in love and was starting to wonder if she would ever fall in love with him; she certainly did care a lot about him though. "He's really sweet."

"I'll have to meet him sometime." The more Cordelia talked about herself and her life, the more Taylor found her a good match for Seth. She would take it slow, spend more time with Cordelia and gauge her feelings about being set up and dating; if she was interested, Seth would have his chance. "Today's been a pretty good day so far." She smiled and told Taylor how lucky she was to have run into her.

"It has." She thought of Dr. White, of all the potential friendship with Cordelia and of Seth finding happiness. "A very good start to the semester."


	9. Chapter 9

Taylor Townsend sipped her coffee as she waited for Seth to appear in the café. It was a Friday night and Taylor had turned down an invitation to go dancing with Cordelia because she needed to firstly study, and secondly, she wanted to talk to Seth. It was a week into the new school semester and Taylor was sure that she had found the perfect girl for her friend.

She had spent the week, between classes and studying, getting to know Cordelia and Taylor was thoroughly impressed by the young woman. She was smart and funny and most importantly, shared many similar interests with Taylor and Seth. By Friday morning, Taylor thought their new friendship had been so well established she could ask the question she had been dying to since first meeting Cordelia.

"So I have a friend that I think you'd love—maybe I could talk to him about you?" Cordelia, when finding out that the friend in question was Seth, jumped at the chance. She had wanted to meet him from the first, and her interest in him had only grown as Taylor had talked about Seth more.

Now Taylor had to bring the situation to the attention of Seth. He knew vaguely of a girl Cordelia who had an interest in anime and Asian cinema, but had shown only a slight interest in actually meeting her. "I'm really busy with school." Seth had told Taylor, but she had a hunch there was more to the story than that; she was convinced that he was scared to take a plunge back into the dating pool as well as being very depressed about Summer having a steady boyfriend once more. Taylor just needed to give him a push and hopefully Cordelia would be good enough incentive for him to actually take the leap. Seeing Seth enter the café, she waved and smiled at her friend.

"Hey Seth." He raised his hand in welcome and silently took a seat next to Taylor. "What's new?"

"Not much—just getting started on an advertising project—we're supposed to think about a compelling design for gerbil food." His tone and face gave no doubt to his disdain for the project. "How about you—I thought you were going out dancing tonight?"

"Too much studying to do—I don't want to fall behind in my Islamic art class; besides, I'm all bloated from my…"

"All right—that's all the information I needed." Seth took advantage in a lull in the café to go to the register and order a cup of coffee. As he ordered Taylor watched him intently—he seemed tired and sad still—like he was in a constant daze. Summer probably had no idea how badly she had hurt her former love. Summer at least was happy, Taylor thought ruefully. She did not particularly like Summer's new boyfriend, but she put on a cordial face for the sake of Summer and her friendship with her.

"So I wanted to ask you something." He sat back down with a cookie and a small cup of coffee; Seth observed Taylor with his sad dark eyes and listened as she introduced the concept of Cordelia. "She's really awesome—I think you'd love her."

"So she can break my heart too?"

"Seth…"

"I don't know Taylor—why are you interested in hooking me up with someone?" She had tried to set him once or twice before since Summer had started dating again, but both dates had been quiet and awkward affairs.

"I'm worried about you Seth—you've been so sad and lonely since Summer broke up with you—I just want you to be happy."

"I really loved her."

"I know—and she loved you; she's just confused right now—she might always be confused. All I know is that I want you to be happy and I think Cordelia could really make you happy."

"You really think we'd hit it off?"

"Yes—she's pretty and sweet and funny—I know you guys would really hit it off." Seth sat in silence and Taylor watched as the wheels of thought started spinning. Taylor hoped—she wished—that he would take another chance and go out with this girl because Cordelia was just what he needed. She would take care of him and would help Seth become his old self again.

"I guess I could give it a try."

"So you'll do it—you'll go out with her?" He nodded yes and she squealed in reply, much to the embarrassment of Seth. "You're not going to regret this at all—I'll give you her number—call you tomorrow probably because she doesn't…"

"Take it easy there Townsend. I'm smooth enough to handle this on my own."

"Of course." She pushed a stray piece of hair from her face and smiled at her friend. "We can even make it a double date if you want."

"Maybe—that might be fun; a double date with Taylor and her frat boy boyfriend." Seth wasn't overly fond of Taylor's boyfriend, especially after his friend cheated on Anna. Gregg had sworn that he had no idea any of that was going on, but he had still kept up his friendship with Adam, much to the disappointment and annoyance of Taylor.

"Gregg's sweet." They were certainly having their problems now that Adam had cheated on Anna. Certainly both she and Gregg had to stand by their friends; Anna had been sad but not heartbroken and had made Taylor swear that Adam's actions and Gregg's loyalty to Adam would not affect Taylor's relationship with her boyfriend. The promise was becoming hard to keep. "We need some good nights though—he's taking me to dinner tomorrow night—something romantic he said."

"You guys doing all right?" Seth was not pleased with Gregg because a friend of his had hurt Anna, but he understood something about male loyalty.

"We're okay." She shrugged her shoulders. "I really like him and I'd be sad if we broke up—but it's not like it was with Ryan."

"You guys really loved each other."

"But I loved him more." They both sat in sad silence, the memories of the past temporarily overwhelming them. "How is he doing lately? I haven't heard from him in a few weeks."

"Ryan's Ryan. He doesn't really tell me much and tries to hide behind that macho Kid Chino exterior but I think something is up—I think he's been fighting with Sadie a lot lately."  
"About what?" Her interest was keen whenever Ryan was mentioned. Her heart was over him but the love he had inspired within her still held a tight hold on her heart.

"He doesn't really say—the same crap they were fighting about last month—he not spending enough time with her, not being more open about how he feels for her. I think that she's in love with him but doesn't think that Ryan feels the same way—or ever will get there. He certainly hasn't told her that he loves her."

"I don't get it—he told me he loved her." She was flabbergasted. "Why would he lie to me about that?"

"I don't think he lied to you about it—Ryan's been confused about how he feels—I think he thought he loved her but figured out that he didn't"

"Poor Sadie."

"Poor Ryan." It was selfish and petty of her, but there was a part of Taylor that was glad that Ryan, in fact, was not in love with Sadie. She had thought of stealing him away, in the distant past, but those feelings had been put away when she had started Brown. Now, they were given the tiniest flicker of hope. "But anyway—what are you doing tonight—studying?"

"Yeah—I have a couple of chapters to read about early Arabic art and it's not the easiest thing to get through."

"Well you could come over and help me think of good ideas for the gerbil campaign."

"That sounds good." Taylor smiled brightly. "We'll think of the perfect double date."


	10. Chapter 10

It was the day before Valentine's Day and Taylor Townsend was spending it in Newport, with her mother. While her mother worked, Taylor absently flipped through the pages of the newest issue of _Newport Living; _there was an article about a new Thai restaurant that had just opened but the review was not holding her attention; the words seemed lifeless and dull.

"What a way to spend Valentine's Day." She said out loud, though there was no one in the room except her. The maid had just finished cleaning and now the house had a silent, oppressive air. Taylor rose in her seat and glanced out the window—it was still raining—she would be confined indoors at least another hour. Checking her cell phone for a text message, Taylor frowned in disappointment. Summer was supposed to let her know when she had arrived safely in Seattle and she should have landed at least an hour ago. The young woman thought about calling her friend but decided against it—Summer needed her space and probably didn't want her time with her father disturbed by anyone.

No one seemed to be fated to enjoy Valentine's Day except for Seth and Cordelia of course. Their first date had gone very well—the double date had fallen through—and since then the two had become fairly inseparable. It pleased Taylor well that she had been so right in setting them up—Anna agreed that they were a very cute couple and that Cordelia was just as good for Seth as Summer had ever been.

Such happiness and success in love still eluded Taylor of course; things had ended with Gregg only a week ago. The relationship had been certainly souring, but it was still a shock to her when he told her he was leaving her to go back to an ex-girlfriend—the words had a familiar ring to them. She had been surprised and saddened but not crushed; Taylor hadn't cried or lost any sleep. Her life was recovering and she knew that in no time she would be moving on, but still, it had hurt her and the good memories of their relationship oppressed her from time to time.

Her breakup was the reason she was in Newport for a few days. When her mother had heard that Taylor and Gregg had ended, Veronica Townsend had leaped at the chance of having her daughter home for Valentine's Day. "Since you don't have any plans—why don't you come home?" Veronica too had experienced recent disappointment in love and the opportunity to celebrate—or wallow—in singleness with her daughter was not an opportunity she wanted to pass up.

As it were, Taylor had one potential bright spot to cheer the dreariness of the day; Ryan had promised to come by and see her, and she waited, with a mix of hopefulness and anxiety, for him. She knew from his emails and from Seth that things with him and Sadie had improved over the last two weeks, and that he was very interested in making things work. "I hope I don't do anything stupid" Taylor had thought to herself as she waited. When she had heard that he didn't actually love Sadie, a small part of her had been given hope; to see him, once again with confidence in his relationship, might cause that small part of her to do something desperate and foolish. As the doorbell rang, she knew in her heart that it was Ryan, and promised herself that she would not in fact do anything foolish.

It was indeed he.

"Hey Ryan." Taylor hugged her friend tightly and as she did, let her senses take in the feel and smell of his skin. He smelt and felt so good and that small part of her that had been so excited about stealing him back grew stronger within her.

"What's going on?"

"Not much—just reading." She led him back to the living room and plopped down on the couch next to him. "You're leaving tonight right?"

"Yeah—promised Sadie I'd take her out tomorrow."

"Where are you guys going?" He named a restaurant that he had taken Taylor once before. "Oh I'm sure that she'll love it."

"We go there a lot actually." They both sat in silence for a moment and Taylor felt a slight wave of sickness wash over her. She was feeling so awkward around him and tongue tied and she knew that he would notice it; already his eyes were on her, questioning. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah—it's just the weather—sometimes when it rains I can't think straight." She forced a laugh because the words sounded ridiculous to her. "How are Frank and Julie?"

"Good—actually I was sent with an invitation for dinner tonight—at the club."

"That sounds good." Taylor brightened and moved a little bit closer to Ryan; she had always liked Frank and it was sweet of them to still go out their way to be friendly to her even though she wasn't dating Ryan anymore. "What time?"

"Eight." Again she was at a loss of words. She smiled at him and he smiled back, watching her with his blue eyes. Taylor moved an inch closer to Ryan. Why was he so unsettling today? The desires and passions for him within her were gaining in intensity and as they listened to the beating of the rain upon the window Taylor felt an urge to scream in frustration. "How is Summer?"

"I'm sorry?" The question threw her for a second; he never had once asked about Summer in any way except to vent his anger at the girl. "Summer?"

"Yeah—Seth's ex girlfriend?" Ryan's face twitched in amusement.

"She's not well actually." Taylor explained to Ryan that Summer was in Seattle because her father had had a dizzy spell and pain in his chest—the doctors had whispered to her that he was developing cardiovascular problems. "Summer's up there for a couple of days to look after him—she's supposed to call me when she gets a free minute."

"Tell her that I'm sorry."

"I will." What was with the chance of attitude towards Summer? It was strange but nice; no doubt Seth's happiness with Cordelia played a part in it. "Has Seth emailed you a picture of Cordelia yet?"

"She's pretty."

"Well she thinks that Seth's pretty too."

"Thank you for all that—for helping them get together."

"Of course—you know I'd do anything for Seth." The words brought back memories of the last time she had a frank discussion about Seth with Ryan; she had stormed off crying because he had told her about being in love with Sadie. "So I guess you are Sadie are good now?"

"Yeah—pretty good." He didn't really seem to want to talk about Sadie, so she let the topic pass.

"Good—that's great." Despite her sweet support the fires in her heart were even hotter now. She edged even slightly closer to Ryan; they were inches away now and his scent was driving her closer and making her crazier and though she could never exactly prove it, she could have sworn he was doing something to bewitch her.

"Seth told me about Gregg—I'm sorry." This checked her advance for a moment.

"I'll be fine—I'm moving on already." Her hazel eyes held him steadfast and her glance seemed to hold him in place; for the first time she realized that she too might be intoxicating Ryan. Though she was only in a pair of jeans and t shirt, Taylor sensed that something about her was drawing him in the same way something about him was drawing her closer and closer. There was nothing remarkable about the way he was dressed that day, and later in life Taylor would not remember what he wore when he came over, but there was something magical in those deep blue eyes that made her approach him, even if it was not the right thing to do.

"Are you?" Their eyes were locked on each others now and as her body crept forward once more, she knew she had been taking over by forces that only an hour ago had little influence in her heart. She reached out gingerly with her hand and placed it on his face, and as she did so, Taylor felt like she had suddenly fallen back into the past. They had made love once on this very couch when they had been dating and it was almost like the ghosts of the past, that impression of intense love and lust, had consumed them both.

She reached out gingerly with her hand and placed it on his face and he did not pull away. Her soft, small and feminine hand rested on his face and stroked his cheek slightly and he did not pull away; their eyes still bore each other's souls and still he did not pull away. Slowly, achingly, she brought his lips to hers and kissed him, tenderly. As their lips parted she felt a surge of electricity burst through her body and she knew what she had done was right.

Their lips were close still and his blue eyes were still on her, marvelous and blue. She kissed him again and this kiss was not tender, was not sweet. The lust and passion that had been burning inside of her, that must have been burning inside of him as well, let loose. His lips were hard against hers and as they kissed, she thought to herself that he was kissing her like a dying man whose last hours on earth were near and had decided to surrender to pleasure.

Ryan's hands found her waist and then her breasts and as Taylor moaned in pleasure, she did not care that she was causing him to cheat; images flashed through her mind of him leaving Sadie for her and the hours of bliss they would find in one another.

Then, suddenly, it stopped.

"Ryan?" He had pulled away and looked at her with his blue eyes; lust had been replaced by pain.

"Sadie." That was all that he said; he left the room wordlessly and let himself out.


	11. Chapter 11

"So I saw Cohen last night." Summer picked at her salad and paused before eating her tomato. "He looked good—happy."

"Did you talk to him at all?" Taylor, for herself, was glad to be talking about something else. She had been questioned about her and Ryan by everyone the past week, and needed a break from it all.

"A little bit—I was at the video store and I ran into him and his girlfriend."

"She's a sweetheart, isn't she?" Taylor watched as Summer deliberating her words.

"She seems nice." Summer went back to eating her tomato. Taylor laughed silently to herself. Nice wasn't the word she would use to describe Cordelia, and she knew that nice wasn't the word that Summer would necessarily use in describing her. Her words lacked sincerity, and Taylor was determined now to find out why. "I'm surprised that Cohen didn't call you last night to tell you."

"Well he isn't exactly pleased with me—but you know that." No, Seth was not pleased with Taylor at all. It all had to do with Ryan of course, whom she had seriously messed up with. She had called him at least ten times that day, but he had not returned her calls until two days later. She had apologized and he had accepted, but Ryan had been so cold and distant. The conversation had been short and awkward and Taylor had been more than happy to finally get off the phone with him. "Seth doesn't really want to see much of me right now." Once Seth had gotten wind of the situation, he had gotten on Taylor's case as well. He understood that she still had feeling for Ryan, Seth had told her, but she had hurt Ryan badly by getting him to cheat on Sadie and anyone that hurt Ryan was not in his good books.

"You seem better though." Summer smiled at her friend, seemingly glad to see Taylor at least happy and smiling. This had all happened once week prior, and since then Taylor had felt miserable and alone. She had ruined her friendship with Ryan and the fact that she had hurt him and possibly lost him, had made her cry for days. Now, slowly but surely, she was starting to feel better, if she didn't spend too much time talking or thinking about it.

"Yeah—just taking it one day at a time." School kept her busy, and her friendships with Anna and Summer and Cordelia kept her sane. "Seth told me to give Ryan some space—so that is what I'll do—give him some space and hopefully in a couple of weeks or months we can be okay again."

"I think that is very mature of you."

"But enough about me—you wanted to talk about Seth." Honestly, this topic worried Taylor as well. She knew the off again on again history of Summer and Seth; was this Summer's time to turn on again? She would have been thrilled except for the fact that Cordelia was involved.

"Yeah—I saw him and we talked for a little bit—it was nice."

"Okay—I'm glad that you guys got a chance to talk—got some closure."

"Yeah—he's happy, I'm happy. We got closure." Taylor was about to comment on how good closure was when Summer dropped the bomb that Taylor had been dreading to hear "I want to be friends again—seeing him, talking to him, it made me realize how much I miss him."

"Oh Summer." A sinking feeling of despair spread through Taylor; this might be leading to disaster. "I don't know."

"What? You don't think this is a good idea?" Her chocolate eyes grew stormy for a moment. "I promise you, I'm over him."

"How was he when you saw him? Did he seem uncomfortable?"

"No—he seemed like he was happy to see me; come on Taylor, you know I'm with Matt. I just really want to be friends with him."

"But didn't you say that never works?" Summer frowned in disappointment. "I don't know Summer—what do you want me to do?"  
"Find out how he feels—if he really wants to be friends—you know Cohen, he's too nice—I don't want to force anything on him."

"Okay—just promise me." Taylor stopped, not sure how to go on. "Just please let it be friendship and nothing else."

"I promise." Her eyes were large and hopeful. "Seeing him, it just made me realize that I want him in my life. I mean, you want Ryan to be in your life."

"I do—seeing him"

"Made you realize that you still want him?"

"I do want him—sometimes I wish I was over him—but I can't help it; he was the first guy I really loved, it wasn't an infatuation with him."

"Maybe it will happen?" Summer reached out and squeezed Taylor's hand. "I don't think you should be with anyone else until you get things sorted out with Ryan; it wouldn't be fair, you know?"

"I know." Thinking of him, thinking of the pain she had caused him, brought a small well of tears to Taylor's eyes. "That's why Gregg never really stole my heart I guess; I was still hung up on Ryan. Deep down inside I still loved him and hoped that he'd love me."

"Do you think you'll get over him now— since you know; you took your chance?"

"And nothing happened? I don't know—I need to work it out." She sighed, feeling low again. It would be one thing if he had flat out rejected her; it would have made her life easier. She would have been sad and embarrassed, but at least she would have known without the shadow of a doubt that he didn't want her. But that kiss, those moments of passion and lust that he had given in to. That was something, wasn't it? Despite the pain she had caused him, it still resonated in her heart that there had been a few moments when he had wanted her as well. "I should just swear off men for a while."

"That always works out well." They fell into that comfortable silence that good friends do. "I'm sorry if I spoiled your good mood."

"I'll be fine—it's still a little raw though."

"You have us girls—we have to look out for each other."

Yes we do, thought Taylor to herself; in her mind she could see a love triangle developing already between Summer, Seth and Cordelia.


	12. Chapter 12

It was mid-March now and the weather was slowly turning towards the spring. The chilly winds of the winter, the dead season, had lost their grip on the world and were slowly, reluctantly, giving ground to the soft, sweet winds of springtime. There was a sense of hope and renewal and love, and for Taylor Townsend, the world was a pretty one.

True she was without love, and true she was not over Ryan Atwood, but she sensed, as the ice melted and the ground beneath her feet thawed, that the future was improving. The early spring air sparked thousands of small memories, of an innocent and happy childhood she knew did not exist but for some strange reason, existed in her mind. There was a feeling of love and hope that stirred in her breast as she breathed in that crisp early spring air; the world seemed to her greener and fresher. The disappointments of the past were being pushed aside and the future loomed like the rising sun, orange and hot with the promise of great brilliance.

"I have a plan." She had told her mother one early day in March and now, as she sat with Anna Stern, she was seeing that plan come to fruition. "I'm going to stay in Rhode Island for the summer, take a class or two, get a job."

"Where are you going to live?" Her mother had inquired; of course the answer was very simple, with Anna. She too was staying in Rhode Island for the summer and was going to get an apartment for her senior year. She needed a roommate and Taylor was going to be the perfect one. As for a job, the linguistics department needed some student workers to work in their offices, and since Taylor was such a prized student, it was an easy task of obtaining work.

"So we're really going to do this?" Anna asked Taylor on a warm mid-March afternoon. The morning had been cold but as the sun had risen higher in the sapphire sky, the day, like the world, had given way to a pleasant warmth.

"Absolutely. I've found a couple of good places near campus."

"Great—how about we check them out this weekend?" Anna herself had plans to take a class or two over the summer and was planning on going home to Pittsburgh for a couple of weeks as well. "I'm excited, this is going to be a great summer."

"Go to work, hit the beach."

"Go out dancing at night. Pick up some guys." Taylor high-fived Anna in mock celebration; she honestly wasn't interested in dating anyone, but that wouldn't stop her from forgoing an evening of pleasure.

"Cordelia will be around." Summer would not be; her father had had a small stroke and Summer had swore that as soon as school was done, she would be at his side the entire break. It was good in a way that Summer was going to be gone because she had become a part of Seth's life again, much to the worry of Cordelia, and in turn, Taylor.

"Summer wont be." Anna had a knack for reading Taylor's mind. "I saw her yesterday"; Anna wasn't a big fan of the girl, not even when Anna had herself completely gotten over Seth Cohen. "There were a couple of moments I saw some confusion on our boy Cohen."

"Do you think it's serious?" Seth himself said there was nothing to worry about, but Taylor wasn't so sure. Summer seemed to be hatching some sort of plan behind those brown eyes of hers.

"I don't know—I honestly don't know what Summer is up to-or if she even knows what she is up to."

"She still seems pretty happy with Matt." They were an interesting couple to be sure; he seemed more devoted to the cause then to her but Summer didn't seem to mind that. "She said she loves him because he believes so much in reform and revolution but I don't see it." Taylor really believed that Summer did not love her boyfriend, but was trying very hard to do so. "She might very well be hung up on Seth still."

"After all this time."

"She certainly had herself convinced that she didn't love him and that he wasn't the guy for her." Taylor never had that problem about Ryan; she always knew that she had loved him. Taylor had just fooled herself in thinking in various times of her life that she had gotten over him. She still wasn't.

"What would you do?"

"About what?"

"If it came down to supporting Seth and Summer or Seth and Cordelia?" The problem was an easy one for Anna; she would support Cordelia until the end. The blonde was sweet and easy going and unaffected and made Seth happy. Summer had caused Seth a great deal of anxiety and despair. In Anna's eyes, Summer wasn't worth the trouble.

"I don't know." Truly she didn't. The question had bugged her now for the past month, ever since Summer had come to Taylor asking for help in gaining back Seth's friendship. She had succeeded at that but it had cost her and Cordelia a bit of ease and comfort. Summer of course swore she only wanted friendship, but there were times, maddening times, when she seemed to want more. "I love Summer to death but Cordelia doesn't deserve any pain, she's so sweet and so good to Seth."

"You'll have to lose someone."

"Why do you think that?"

"If you choose Cordelia over Summer Summer wont forgive you for not supporting an old friend. If you pick Summer and help her win back Seth, then Cordelia will loss her trust in you for helping Summer break her heart." Anna looked at Taylor pointedly. "You know it's true though, Cordelia loves Seth and she'd be crushed if Summer stole him from her."

"Maybe I pick neither side and stay out of it."

"Impossible; you'd lose them both that way for not coming to their aid and I know you couldn't do that. It's not like you, you help people."

"Hopefully it wont come to that."

"It might not—but I have a feeling; I've seen this all before." So had Taylor; she had watched as Summer, Seth and Zach Stephens had been plunged into a love triangle. Of course it was Summer and Seth who had come out on top. Poor Zach, he had transferred before the start of junior year; such was the possible fate of those who mixed with the fire that was Summer Roberts and Seth Cohen.

"Do you plan on getting a job this summer?" Taylor was anxious to change the subject. "I might be able to get you something with me if you want."

"I'm trying to get something lined up with Professor Franke—he says he needs a research assistant for the summer."

The summer seemed so far away for Taylor at that moment. The darkness and coldness of the passing winter, which had seemed to be dying not so long ago, had returned. The wind seemed colder and harsher now and the spring seemed to hold less promise. Had Anna spoken true words? Was she on the verge of losing a friendship, someone that was dear to her? Would Summer be a distant memory some day, or would it be Cordelia, whose affections were so new and sweet. Would Cordelia pass from this world curing the memory of Taylor Townsend? She shivered but it was not from a cold gust of air; decay had passed by her and she could not escape the feeling that it had brushed her shoulder.

The spring, with its hope of renewal, had staggered back for a moment and as she shivered away that feeling of dread, of decay, she realized that she could not, would not, escape it. When the winter passed away, Taylor realized, it did so smugly. It announced to the world, as it departed, that it would return. The spring and summer, for all its sensual glory, would perish and die; the perfect moments of life, which seemed so glorious, were truly imperfect because they did not last. They were merely the top of the mountain, which everyone must pass over before the terrible tumble down into decay and death.

It was true of her friendships as well. As she had realized on the night lying at Gregg's side, she might pass from this world not knowing if Anna, Summer, Seth or Ryan were alive or dead. The best friends of today, Taylor thought to herself, would not be the best friends of tomorrow; there was nothing she could really do because life took each of us in many different places. With Ryan life had taken him and put him in Sadie's path and out of Taylor's. Her attempts to win him back had failed; their emails now were infrequent and short, formal. It saddened her but that was how things were; try as she might, she could not conquer all, would not always get the ending she wanted.

Cordelia might not get the ending she wanted either Taylor thought to herself. The sun continued to sparkle down on the sitting girls.


	13. Chapter 13

"This sucks." Taylor threw down her book in despair and checked her watch. Her final was in three hours and she didn't feel ready for it at all. True she had been studying like mad the past two days, but the information didn't seem to want to sink in. Taylor knew the reason of course, Ryan was in Rhode Island to see Seth—it was an odd time for him to come with finals and all—but all the same he had arrived the night before and the fact that he was so close by and had made no effort to see her yet, was madding to her.

Yes, their emails and phone calls continued to be strained, short affairs, but she had hoped that he would see her. It seemed to Taylor that he had not gotten over the fact that she had kissed him, even though he swore to her that he was over it. What then was the problem? Couldn't they at least try to make things go back to normal?

Seth had given her no help; he had simply shrugged his shoulders and told Taylor that Ryan was as tight lipped about the situation to him as he was to her. It was all very frustrating to the girl, enough so that she could not concentrate on her readings about the Pass Over War between Israel and the Arab allies.

The morning was bright and warm and laying down her books, Taylor glanced out her open window. The campus sparkled in an emerald hue and the sweet spring air promised more rain. It had rained for three days straight but she didn't mind that; the rain did not depress her—no, it bathed the world with a fine due and made everything appear fresh and good.

Her mood could not be truly spoiled in this fragrant world, and so she decided to forgo her studies for a bit and take a morning walk. The campus was a buzz with students either hurrying to exams, the students unprepared and frantic, or with students who took their time, not anxious for the oncoming slaughter.

Taylor stopped by a coffee cart and after making her purchase, sat down on a dry bench. Inhaling the soft aroma of her drink, she let her mind wander over her first year at Brown. Certainly it had been an eventful year; she had met friends and had briefly found romance. Yes, all in all she had experienced a happy year at her new home and she looked forward to two more years of success and happiness. Taylor, as she sipped her coffee, felt her heart sore free, high into the air and over the trees. Life became suddenly splendid for a moment and she almost forgot about her exam and her ongoing drama with Ryan Atwood.

"Who cares if he doesn't make an effort?" She liked the way the words sounded in her ears; maybe, while sitting on this bench, she was finally breaking through, maybe she was working her way past him. If only she could finally shake free of him, since he obviously did not want any part of her. Yes, it was right, and it was good.

She finished her coffee and took a look at her watch; there was still two hours and thirty minutes until her exam. The wiliness and wanting to study had passed; in this green world Taylor suddenly found herself carefree. She wanted to run naked through the streets and kiss the first attractive boy she saw, consequences be damned. Exams and loves will come and go, Taylor thought to herself, but this moment, this day, would only happen once. Who cares if it is only a fleeting moment, a fleeting, dying, moment of pleasure and happiness? It was here, once, and that was all that mattered. Nothing, not even death, could take that moment away from her. It was to be imprinted on her mind, forever; the green world with the sharp smell of approaching rain was vivid throughout her senses and she would not trade it in for anything.

"Taylor." A voice, a voice from the past that she did not immediately place, called for her. She turned around and her smile, her carefree attitude, was swept away because he was standing there before her, looking at her.

"Ryan?" She knew he was here, knew he was in Newport, but all the same, she was stunned. "What are you doing here?"

"I was heading over to your dorm—I wanted to talk to you." He looked gorgeous in the sunlight, and as Taylor stood there, watching him silently, she said to herself that she loved him, had to have him.

"Oh?" Her mind was on fire and whatever words she wanted to form would not take shape.

"Can we sit down?" He motioned to the bench and she took a seat next to him; his eyes were on her as she looked to the ground, nervous and excited. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay." She smiled and looked at him now; his eyes were warm and friendly and for some reason, they gave her hope, hope for something that she could not have imagined. "What's going on?"

"I—I." He started but could not finish whatever thought he had in mind. "I'm not good at talking Taylor—I always relied on you for that—and Seth." He grinned shyly at her and the amusement in his eyes made her heart beat faster. Is he here for me? She asked herself, does he really want me? He tried to continue but he faltered, her hazel eyes seemed to stun him, paralysis him.

"What's the matter?" His look gave her courage; she cautiously put her hand out and rested it softly on his. He did not stir; he simply looked at her and kissed her. It was a sweet kiss, a tender kiss. His lips brushed hers and it was like rain on a flower; her petals opened and received his offering. Ryan backed away and smiled at Taylor and before she could say another word he kissed her again, with longing and love.

"I didn't know how to say it—but I want you, I want to be with you again—ever since that kiss last winter I couldn't stop thinking about you—I tried to make it work with Sadie but every time I kissed her I was kissing you." He explained to her, in the simplest of words, that he couldn't get her out of his head, no matter how hard he tried, and that he realized that it was she that he wanted to be with. "I realized I didn't want it to work with Sadie—I wanted it to work with you."

"Yes…" Taylor was unable to say a word; inside her heart she was singing, laughing but her brain had not yet been able to catch up yet.

"Taylor?" Ryan frowned slightly, he seemed to have expected so much more from her. "Did you hear what I said?"

"I did." She squeezed his hand tightly and looked at him, her hazel eyes ablaze. "Oh Ryan." She flung her arms around him and hugged him tightly as she kissed his neck. "I…"

"Are you happy?"

"So happy." She smiled and as her muscles formed that smile it was like her brain finally registered the words he had spoken to her. "So happy." She kissed him again and again, longer and more lovingly. "I promise to show you how happy I am tonight."

"I was worried."

"You ever been so happy that nothing you could say would do that emotion justice?"

"I think so." He watched her, amused. "I'll take you out to dinner tonight?"

"Yes—dinner tonight." Taylor felt like she was in a trance; she frowned slightly and asked Ryan to pinch her. "If this is a dream I want to know." He pinched her and laughed at her when she pouted in pain. "Did Seth know about all this?"

"For a while now."

"How long have you known?"

"A week or so—I broke up with Sadie when I was sure." Taylor thought about poor sweet Sadie.

"How is she?"

"Sad."

"I thought you were angry with me."

"I was at first, but then I couldn't stop thinking about you—I was so confused."

"That's why it was all so awkward."

"I didn't know what to say." He put his arms around her waist and pulled her close to her; kissing her ear, she melted into him.

"What happened—I mean, when did you realize?"

"That I wanted you?" Ryan hugged her body and ran his hands through her auburn hair. "I had been thinking about you a lot and then one day I woke and I wasn't thinking about at all; it was like you had slipped out of my mind."

"Well that's something a woman wants to hear."

"It made me realize that you were out there in the world, sweet and wonderful and that if I wasn't thinking about you, someone would be, and I couldn't handle that. Right then and there I made the choice that you were the girl for me; that it wasn't an infatuation, I wanted to fall in love with you again."

"I think those are the most words you've ever used together Ryan" she teased him as she kissed him. "I want to fall in love with you too."


	14. Chapter 14

It had been one the happiest days in Taylor's life. That morning Ryan had come and claimed her as his and afterwards, they had gone back to her dorm and made love. His hands and lips on her body had sent chills up and down her body, and afterwards, when they had spent their passion, Taylor had lay comfortably in his arms, happy and pleased with the world.

"I could stay like this forever." She had murmured; he had kissed her in reply. It had been a long, sweet kiss, one that had made her warm with desire again. They would have continued if not for the exam which was looming and impending. The exam had come and go; she had aced it and after returning, found Ryan, still in bed, waiting for her.

That had been several hours ago; now they walked hand in hand through campus, enjoying their time as a new couple. She would still stop from time to time to ask Ryan to pinch her, or to reach out and touch his face and lips. They were warm and real; this wasn't a dream and Ryan smiled at her because it amused him that she was so happy, so desperate to make sure this was truly happening.

"Are you laughing at me?"

"Only a little." Ryan called her adorable and squeezed her hand warmly. "I'm just as happy as you are."

"I don't think anyone can be as happy as I am right now." The girl giggled as memories of that morning and afternoon floated through her mind. "It's been perfect hasn't it?"

"Very perfect." Ryan took her by the waist and pulled her into her. "I can't wait for some more perfection tonight."

"Oh really?" It was a long kiss, it grew in its passion and Taylor had to push him away before she truly lost her head. "We're being indecent." Two girls had seen their kiss and their looks of disgust amused Taylor. "We should get back."

"What about your roommate?"

"I don't know—she keeps very strange hours."

"It will be nice this summer when you're living with Anna." They had found a place, a charming two bedroom near the campus. "We wont have to worry about roommates."

"So we're going to make this work?" It was a topic she hadn't really thought about; Taylor and Ryan had both been swept up in the day and they hadn't stopped to consider how things would progress past these few days.

"Of course—I hope so." He seemed to notice the worry that had passed over her face and his blue eyes grew serious. "You want to make this work don't you?"

"I do—so much."

"Then what's wrong?" Taylor shrugged his shoulders and he seemed to understand. "You worried about me?"

"You found Sadie last time—you weren't that happy when I was in France."

"I know—but Brown is a lot closer then the Sorbonne." Ryan told her that last time, when they had reconnected at Julie Cooper's almost wedding, they hadn't much time to lay a foundation for the relationship. "We'll have this summer to make things really good for us. I can spend some time here, you can come to Berkeley when you're done with school." He was so serious, so solemn. Taylor told herself that he wanted to make it work, was determined to be with her, no matter the distance.

"I'd like that—I'd like to see Sophie again." She took his hand and was happy again. "We should try and talk at least once a day, even if it's for five minutes."

"No matter how busy school gets." They were walking aimlessly; Taylor herself seemed to have no sense of direction. The young woman was lost in her happiness, in this pleasant dream that was not a dream. "Sandy knew this would happen."

"That we'd be together?" Ryan nodded his head; he told her that Sandy, even when Ryan was with Sadie, had said that he suspected Ryan still had strong feelings for Taylor, and that it might be a matter of time when Ryan would feel those feelings come to the front of his heart. "He drove me to the airport and he couldn't stop smiling about us."

"I'll have to thank him for bringing us back together." They paused before a bench and sat down; she thought about all the people she'd have to tell of her happiness: Summer, Anna, Cordelia, her friend Albertine in Paris. Seth of course already knew. "Seth did a good job of keeping it all a secret."

"I promised him a painful death if he told you anything."

"Weren't you worried I'd say no?"

"Honestly?"

"Of course."

"I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss in February; I didn't have any worries."

"It was a good kiss." Ryan took her face in his hands and pulled her lips close. "Would you like me to refresh your memory?"

"Please do." Whenever he smiled at her Taylor's heart skipped a beat. She kissed him and again she felt that burst of electricity. "I really hope that your roommate is gone for a couple of hours."

"We can work something out if she is there." Ryan began to kiss her neck slowly and Taylor let out a small gasp of pleasure. "We can definitely work out something." She felt a shiver go through her body as his lips slid down to her collar bone; his hands were on her legs and were slowly sliding up her skirt to her thighs. There was no one passing by; giving in to the temptation she slightly opened her legs further, allowing him more access with his hands.

Taylor let out a moan of pleasure as Ryan's hand stroke her inner-thigh. She desperately wanted to take him then and there but the murmur of voices from down the path awoke her to the reality of where they were. With a coy look, she pulled away from him and sat up. "You're getting to get us into trouble." Taylor smoothed out her skirt and reached out her hand to Ryan. "Come on, take me home."


	15. Chapter 15

The heat that morning suffocated them while they lay in Taylor's bed. It had descended on the morning before the dew had had a chance to settle and brought with it the promise of stillness and malaise. The heat settled on the rooftops and in the windows and the doorframes and pressed down upon them with an unnatural exhaustion.

It was mid June and the weather had turned rapidly from the pleasant warmth of the late spring and early summer to a blistering heat that only sapped life and desire from the body. In the outside world a soft murmur of the birds could only be heard; they too seemed sapped of any will to survive the oncoming torrent of heat. Newport and the campus on Brown seemed to stand still, hopeful that this languidness would be presently shook off and the splendid, sensual summer would soon return.

"Can you sleep?" Taylor spoke softly; a whisper seemed appropriate for this hot morning—it was almost like she feared to disturb the heat of the day anymore by speaking loudly. "I can't."

"No—not really." Ryan rose from the bed and pushed the light covers from his body. "It's supposed to get to a hundred today."

"If it's not already." They both knew what it was like to life through hot summer days—but neither had experienced such a dull summer heat before. Already they were sweaty and beads of their moisture crept silently along their naked flesh.

"I feel like taking a shower but I don't want to get out of bed." She fell back onto the mattress and pulled Ryan down next to her. "Thank you again for last night." She kissed him lightly but pulled back; his lips were dry and dead and there was no sweetness to be found from his lips.

"You're welcome for last night." He had taken her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city and then afterwards, he had made long and passionate love to her and when it had been over, her body had been left limp and exhausted.

"I need to get some water." Walking to the kitchen naked, Taylor felt the warm air around her pressed into her ever pore. There was a dreadful silence hanging over the room and as she turned on the water of the faucet, Taylor watched a lone fly buzz through the kitchen. It settled on a lone apple and the young woman watched as it settled and the fruit and then stop, as if it too were too exhausted to move anymore.

The glass of water was full and Taylor, as she turned off the faucet, tried to decide if she wanted to expend the energy to walk over to the apple and chase away the fly. Sanding there, watching the fly sit on the apple, Taylor could not but helped be mesmerized by the insect and the absolute stillness of the scene.

Standing there, she was suddenly completely aware of her existence in the world and that she was presently standing in her kitchen, naked, watching a fly. Her life—all their lives—were so consumed by day to day worries and concerns; some were petty, some seemed important but were in truth petty. Not Taylor, or Anna or Ryan and Cordelia, Taylor was sure, ever really slowed down enough to come face to face with their own existence, their connection to this time and place. She clearly now saw through her life and preoccupations and memories and now stood face to face to the barren emptiness of time and space and the world around her.

The acute self-awareness that she felt was nauseating to her; she had come face to face with the realization that she was a living and breathing organism, that she existed in a world that she hardly knew and that one day would cease to exist for her.

"Taylor!" Ryan called for her from the bedroom. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine." She had been snapped back into her world of preoccupations where the stark reality of her existence and her binds to time and space no longer existed. Walking back to the bedroom, she forced a smile for Ryan and handed him the water. "I zoned out for a minute."

"Well today is a good day for that—I feel so tired already." Taylor sat down at the edge of her bed; her body ached for him but it was too hot for them to lie in each other's arms.

"That might have something to do with the performance you put on last night."

"It was good wasn't it?" Taylor grinned and blushed slightly; the two lovers settled into a comfortable silence as they passed the glass of water back and forth. They had been dating since that late April day and Taylor couldn't be happier. Ryan was visiting her in Rhode Island for the week because he had nothing to do in Berkeley expect work and she was starting summer school in early July.

"What do you want to do today?"

"I just figured we could stay in bed all day." It was truly too hot for sex but the idea of idling the day away was not without its attractions. "You could read me some of that French poetry of yours."

"In English or in French?"

"In French." Taylor giggled; Ryan would get so worked up when she read him the erotic poetry in its native tongue. There were one or two memories of such occasions that made her weak in the knees still because of the heat the poetry had generated in Ryan. He had taken her in ways she had not been taken before and Taylor could not help but blush a little at the memory of it all; her orgasms had been so intense that she was sure that a small part of herself had died, had floated away into the firmament, because of them.

"I suppose we could do that—maybe when it cools down some?"

"Open up a bottle of wine."

"Cold white wine." Her taste buds were alive at the idea of it; yes, she realized, one must fight off this languidness with decadent pleasure. Cold, crisp wine, Ryan's hard, beautiful body, her own screaming, dying, pleasure. Those were the ways to triumph over this sickening heat, that sickening stillness. Taylor did not want to feel that dreadful connection to the empty stillness around her. She wanted, like so many others, to escape into a world of preoccupation and idle, petty, pleasures.

"To cool us off after hot, sweaty sex." Ryan leaned forward and took Taylor by the waist; pulling her on top of him, he began kissing her neck and ran his hands along her firm, hard body. As he kissed her, Taylor ignored the heat that was burying her alive and sought only the screaming, deafening pleasure that his hands and mouth and lips and tongue were giving to her. On top of him, she could feel his arousal and desire and felt her body surrender to his.

Taylor whimpered in pleasure as he wordlessly entered her and as she softly murmured into his ear the words "I love you," that magical, humid paradise that they had been creating was shattered by the ring of Taylor's cell phone.

"Ignore it." Taylor didn't have to be told twice. She allowed herself to fall back into her pleasure as Ryan worked his magic on her; already she felt her orgasm coming upon her but again the phone rang, shattering her pleasured cries. This time it was Ryan who seemed to have fallen out of the realm of pleasure. "Who is it?"

"Summer." Taylor had missed the second call as well; rolling off of Ryan she opened the phone and noticed that Summer had left a voice message. "I hope that everything is okay." Summer was still in Seattle with her father who was still not well. Taylor began listening to the message and then let out a stifled cry. Summer's father was dead.


	16. Chapter 16

"I'm worried." Taylor ran the brush through her hair and then stopped in mid stroke. "I don't like that they're at Summer's." She continued to run the brush through her hair and put it down next to the bathroom sink. "She was all over Seth today."

"Taylor." The tone in Ryan's voice was implying that she was being unfair; she probably was, but that did not lessen her concern. "Her father just died."

"I know—and it's horrible that her boyfriend didn't come."

"Ex-boyfriend." Ryan reminded her. Matt, whom Summer had trusted in and had dotted on, had not come to Dr. Robert's funeral because he had to lead a rally in Albany New York. Summer had been furious and heartbroken and had ended that relationship then and there. "Even though they haven't been together for a while they still have a strong connection; they've gone through a lot with each other." Seth had been very sweet and patience and good with Summer when Marissa had died so it was only natural, Ryan told Taylor, that she would turn to him again.

"I get that—but I'm still worried about it—I can't shake the feeling that she likes him more than just a good friend."

"Did Cordelia say something about this to you?"

"She did—but we both came to the same conclusion. You know I love Summer and my heart breaks for her, but I saw the way she was looking at him—she wanted him." Seth was mum about his feelings for Summer; either he didn't know how he felt or knew and didn't want to share with Taylor. "This has been going on for a while." For at least the past two months, even since that day that Summer and Seth had reconnected as friends, Summer's shadow had slowly began to cast of pall on the relationship between Cordelia and Seth. Seth had become—in Coredelia's words—more and more distracted and distant. That spontaneous fire and excitement that Seth had felt for her in the early days of the relationship had begun their slow retreat and Cordelia felt, she told Taylor, with more and more certainty that Seth's raven haired ex love was slowly but surely bewitching him. "Summer promised me."

"I know Taylor." He took his girlfriend in his arms and kissed her forehead as she sank into his arms. "I can talk to Seth if you want—he is usually pretty good about spilling his heart out."

"Would you? I don't want to ask you to spy on him—but if comes up?"

"I'll try and find out about it." Ryan squeezed Taylor tightly and pulling away from her, smiled brightly at the girl. "We've had a long day—do you want to go to bed?"

"No—I'm not that tired actually." They sat down on the edge of the hotel bed and held hands in silence. Today had been the day of Dr. Robert's funeral. Sandy and Kirsten had come, as well as Julie and Kaitlin and Frank. The entire affair had been a sad one; Summer had balled hysterically the entire ceremony and had latched onto Seth for the most of it. Taylor would never wipe from her mind the sight of Summer's anguished tears; it would take Taylor a long time to forget the look of pain and startled unease on Cordelia's face as Seth had held Summer so tightly and sweetly that day. He had volunteered to keep Summer company that night, he had promised to look after her and make sure she was okay. "I hope that Summer is sleeping now."

"They gave her some medicine—I think that they'll have a quiet night."

"Do you think Seth loves Summer?"

"Honestly?"

"Of course."

"I do—I mean, I didn't stop loving you. I still love Marissa."

"I suppose he loves her then—not that he'd ever tell me." Seth had become more distance with Taylor too; there were times when it seemed that Seth was holding back from her, not telling her things that he once would have not hesitated to tell. "I think he keeps things from Anna too."

"You talk to her tonight?"

"Only for a minute—her aunt is getting worse." Anna herself was unable to make it to the funeral because of her own family problems. It seemed that death was having his day in the world.

"Well send her my love." It was only an expression but Taylor smiled at it.

"You're getting pretty good at this love thing." Taylor leaned in and kissed him. This time around he had not had any problems sharing his feelings for her and she had completely lost her head over him for it. "I love you."

"I love you too." Ryan pulled her towards him and kissed her neck. "You're so beautiful." She blushed and felt speechless as he lowered the straps of her nightgown. "Every inch of you is flawless." He kissed her left shoulder blade and slowly worked his way back up her next and to her lips. Taylor purred as his right hand slid slowly up her leg and went underneath her nightgown to her thigh. She spread her legs slightly to give him access and sighed in anticipation. Death had loomed large during the day, but as she felt his heat upon her body, Taylor wanted desperately to rush into the grasp of lust. The pain and the sorrow of Summer's despair had wearied her and Taylor yearned for Ryan's hands to make her feel alive again.

"Please baby" Taylor's voice was dusky with desire in the dark nighttime and she let herself go as his hands and mouth consumed her. As she let him undress her, Taylor called out in pleasure and sank onto her back; opening her legs, she invited Ryan to devour her with breaths of lust…

After they had made love, Ryan held her and kissed her shoulder lovingly. They were spent of that madness that summer heat had imparted on them and as she listened silently to Ryan fall asleep, Taylor struggled to hold onto that passionate, loving, maddening desire that had so earlier consumer her.

She could not; like the shadows that were dancing across the stage of her bedroom, Taylor felt death looming larger and larger over her. The young woman thought of Dr. Robert's and the pleasurable life he had lived. What had been his first encounter with death? Had he tried to escape it with pleasure, with alcohol? Had he tried to escape his first true encounter with sorrow and heartbreak the same way Taylor and Ryan had? Certainly pleasure had made Taylor forget, for a few minutes at least, the ultimate outcome of the play she was performing, but now, as the room was silent, Taylor once again experienced that stillness she had encountered so recently.

Lying next to Ryan, it was like the doors of her perception had fallen down and the realization that she was in this world, surrounded by emptiness. It was a sickening revelation to be so self aware of her own place in the world. Had Neil Roberts once felt this same sickness, this same nausea? In a panic Taylor shook Ryan and awoke him.

"Taylor, what's wrong?"

"I can't sleep. Will you stay up with me?" He nodded his head in sleepy agreement and held her. Ryan replied to her chatter in murmurs but it was not before long that she was along again. The room was silent again and she could hear nothing but Ryan's soft breathing. Taylor rolled over on her side and closed her eyes, trying to shut up the gloom. In her mind she could only picture Summer's father, at a Newport party, smiling and happy.

No doubt he felt much pleasure in his life, Taylor thought to herself. He had tasted fine wines and traveled to beautiful locals. Lovely and gracefully women had slept in his arms. Summer Robert's father had known love and ecstasy and heartbreak. Thinking about him, as she held her eyes closed shut, the words of Dowson crept into her head:

_They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,_

_Love and desire and hate:_

_I think they have no portion in us after _

_We pass the gate._

_They are not long, the days of wine and roses:_

_Out of a misty dream_

_Our path emerges for a while, then cloes_

Within a dream.

Opening her eyes, the first thing she saw was the electric alarm clock at her bedside. The time read 12:15 and Taylor watched as it progressed a minute.

"I am one minute closer to death." Taylor told herself. The young woman felt revolted and rose from the bed; Ryan was fast asleep and did not stir. Despite herself, she could not help but watch the clock progress minute by minute. In the silence, she could hear the ticking of a clock; every second Taylor's life was slipping away and she was powerless to stop it. Did they all realize that Time was ripping away their life? Maybe they did. She certainly did and seeing it, facing Time and Death squarely, terrified her. No one could really look Time and Death squarely in the face, it was too sad, too maddening. Taylor herself, who was well versed in philosophy, had to look away. The sight was too dreadful for her pretty hazel eyes.

How did people deal with it? In a flash she remembered the words of Baudelaire's poem:

Be always drunken. Nothing else matters: that is the only question. If you would not feel the horrible burden of Time weighing on your shoulders and crushing you to the earth, be druken continually.

_Drunken with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you will. But be drunken._

Surely Taylor was drunken on love. That was her answer to the crushing weight of Time.

Turning to Ryan, she asked herself if that was the answer to it all; would Ryan's love for her protect her from being "_a martyred slaves of time_?" Searching her heart, she desperately wanted the answer to be yes; she felt the answer was no.

Like a wave, panic swept over the girl. Taylor felt helpless before Time; escaping from her bed, she rushed out to the balcony and closed the door behind her. It was a cool, cloudless evening. Looking up, trying to calm herself, she looked up into the heavens and saw great beauty before her. The moon and starts cast a pale light over her; a soft breeze fluttered through her and its embrace was as soft and tender as Ryan's. How peaceful and tender the night seemed. It made Taylor grow cold in fear and despair.

"Oh god!" thought Taylor, "why must we die, why must we suffer separation and illness and tears? And if we must, then why all this beauty, why this sweet feeling of hope, why this desire for love and all the happiness that it brings? What is the meaning of that beautiful sky and radiant moon? Can all this be only what we feel within us—while outside, in reality, there is only an eternal icy stillness? Can it be that we are quite alone, alone—while beyond us everywhere there are only endless gulfs and chasms in which all is strange to us?"

Taylor desperately waited and wanted for Ryan to come. He did not.


	17. Chapter 17

Summer and Taylor sat quickly at the beach, soaking up the hot early summer sun. It was two weeks since Neil Robert's funeral and Summer had just returned to Providence, Rhode Island the day before. Upon the death of her father, Summer had found herself an extremely wealthy young woman; a bulk of his fortune had gone to her and now Summer Roberts did not have to worry about living in the dorms for the next three years. She had a large amount of spending money and a growing trust in the banks that would make her fairly set for life.

"What do you want to do today?"

"This is fine." Ever since her late night meltdown, Taylor had been feeling low and depressed; life seemed cruel and mean to her, and as she sat, baking in the sun, she felt little interest in doing anything except stewing in her own thoughts. Ryan didn't understand of course; he tried to listen to her but when she spoke of her own tremblings and insecurities, he had looked at her as if she was being unduly morbid. Maybe she was being morbid, however. Maybe she had just hit a snag, a bump in the road? Whatever it was, the last two weeks had been sad and tiring ones and she felt powerless to lift herself out of it.

"I think Cohen wants to do something." Yes, no doubt Seth Cohen wants to do something, Taylor thought to herself. Seth had returned to Providence and was renting out a spare room in one of his RISD friend's apartment. He had come, he had told Taylor, to be closer to Cordelia because he missed her; Taylor, and she was sure, Cordelia, believed that Summer Roberts also played a part in his decision.

"He's going out to the movies with Cordelia I think; she seemed pretty excited about it." If there was one thing that Taylor thought about besides her own depression, was the relationship between Seth, Summer and Cordelia. The night of the funeral had been a calm one, Taylor had learnt from Cordelia. Summer had gone to bed early and Cordelia had spent a quiet evening watching television with Seth; Cordelia had tried to pry a little that evening and the next day about Seth's feelings about Summer, but had not learnt much beyond his feelings of friendship for the girl.

"Oh he didn't tell me that." The girls lapsed back into silence and they both watched tourists and bathers move in and out of the water.

"He seems pretty happy with her, doesn't he?" Summer had been vague about Seth for a long time, especially about his relationship with Cordelia.

"I think he could be happier."

"Oh really?" Taylor had noticed a shake of jealousy in Summer's voice; certainly that had not been there five, six months earlier. Had Summer fallen for Seth again so soon? "He acts pretty happy about her to me."

"When does Seth talk to you about Cordelia?" There was a cold fire that quickly flared in Summer's eyes.

"I don't know, once or twice a week—I mean-- I talk to Seth almost every day." They didn't really talk every day, and for the most part Seth was mum about Cordelia now, but Taylor wanted to see what type of rise she could get out of Summer. They had all been keeping things from each other for so long that Taylor, in the hotness of the afternoon, felt a madness come over her. Her mind was hot in desire for knowledge and no matter how twisted things had become between Summer and Seth, she was determined to find out.

"Well he must tell you different things."

"What does he tell you then? That's he's miserable with her?"

"No—not miserable, just that sometimes he thinks he could find someone better."

"She's pretty wonderful—he'd have to look really hard then."

"Not that hard." Summer looked over at Taylor and her eyes were hard with a sudden anger.

"Oh? Does Cohen have someone lined up already?" Taylor was sure to twinge her words with sarcasm. "If I didn't know any better, it would seem like you've gotten Cohen in mind yourself."

"We've gone through a lot together."

"I know you have—you've gone through a lot and you've both been very good about supporting one another; but Summer, I thought you were over all of this?"

"Over what?" She tossed out the question, as if she knew already the answer that Taylor was going to provide her.

"Over you and Seth—didn't you say that you just wanted to be friends."

"Things change."

"Summer." Taylor was up now and her mouth was twisted in anger and frustration. "You promised me."

"I know—I just can't help it."

"So what, you want him back now?" Summer didn't say anything and Taylor's voice grew louder. "You want him back? Damn it, I knew it."

"Taylor—I messed up all right; I didn't appreciate what I had."

"And now you think you can make it work again? Didn't you tell me he was too cynical for you, that he didn't believe in anything? I don't think he's changed that much."

"I know—but I miss him Taylor and I think I love"

"Don't say" Taylor tried to cut her off…

"Him"

"Summer." There it was; all her worries and fears had been confirmed. Taylor hadn't gotten anything out of Seth, neither had Ryan. Cordelia seemed to suspect something but had no solid proof; Seth was mum and so had been Summer. Now, however, the words came pouring out of the girl. Her intentions had been honest at first; she had just missed him and had wanted to be friends. Slowly though, Summer told Taylor, she had realized how great of a guy he had been and that it was possible that she had blown the relationship and her future happiness.

"I always thought Seth would be the one to make a mess of it all; turned out it was me." Her father's death and the sweetness and devotion Seth had shown her finished Summer Roberts off for good. "When he left with Cordelia I realized that I loved him again. You know what that's like, to realize that you shouldn't be alone and the right person is standing right in front of you."

"Ryan was honest about Sadie."

"You weren't honest about Ryan though." Her words struck Taylor silent. No, she hadn't actually been honest about Ryan; she had made Ryan cheat on his girlfriend.

"No." They sat facing each other, trying to find the right words to continue. "Has something happened between you two?"

"No" Summer looked at her friend earnestly, as if trying to gauge her feelings "Not yet."

"Does he want something to happen?"

"I think so—I hope so."

"Poor Cordelia." The words slipped without her thinking.

"You're going to tell her, aren't you?"

"Summer—she's my friend."

"I'm your best friend—your oldest friend."

"I know—it's just that"

"You think I'm a bitch." Summer rose from the sand and looked down on Taylor. "I was there for you back in high school when no one else was."

"Summer—that's mean." Taylor too stood; she felt like she was on the verge of tears. She couldn't remember the last time she had fought with Summer.

"You should be on my side—you're my friend. I supported you about Ryan no matter what, I didn't pass any judgments; Atwood is my friend too and you hurt him and I was there for you."

"It's different Summer."

"It's not different—you'd rather go off and tell Cordelia then be my friend." Summer started to gather her things.

"I'm not going to go and tell Cordelia—I just want you guys to be honest with everyone before anything happens."

"How do you know we won't?"

"Because I know Seth."

"And you know me—Summer Roberts who can't stay out of Cohen's bed. Forget it Taylor—I see how good of a friend you are."

"Summer." She tried to stop her but there was nothing to be done. As she watched her best friend walk away, Anna's prediction ran coldly through her mind.


	18. Chapter 18

Taylor tried to call and talk to Summer the afternoon of the fight but failed to get in touch with her friend. She cried to Ryan bitterly that night about it all and as she had talked to him, she felt her heart melting for him. He is so good and sweet, Taylor thought to herself. He listens to me ramble and when I am all finished and exhausted he flashes that brilliant smile that I can see even though we're talking on the phone and my world feels safe and good. She had gone to bed happy at least in the fact that she loved and was well loved by such a good man.

In the morning she had intended to sleep in; she had only a few errands to run and did not see the point in using up too much of her Sunday on tiresome chores. Her plans to sleep in were interrupted however at nine by Cordelia.

"Hey what's going on?" Taylor yawned as her blonde friend entered the apartment briskly.

"Seth talk to you lately?"

"No not lately." She was alert now; the sleepiness of the morning no longer hung over her auburn locks. "Is everything okay?"

"No—far from okay. He came over very late last night—we were supposed to go to the movies but he didn't show up until eleven."

"What did he say?"

"Something about Summer having a meltdown; I don't believe it."

"No." Well at least Taylor wasn't the only one to get upset about the fight yesterday. In her mind Taylor could easily see Summer having a meltdown and Seth's comforting of Summer becoming something physical and passionate. Even though she had no evidence, Taylor felt in the pit of her stomach that Summer and Seth had slept with each other while Cordelia had waited for him. "You think he's lying?"

"It's an easy excuse for him to make—I mean, I know she's been upset lately; but if she was having a meltdown, wouldn't she turn to you first? I mean, weren't you guys going to the beach yesterday? Did she seem all right?"

"Well she seemed a little down." If Taylor was going to lay it all out for Cordelia, now was the chance. There the blonde stood, her eyes full of hope and affection and even though her brain yelled the truth, Taylor's mouth formed lies. Standing there, Taylor found she could not give up Summer's secrets. "She just lost her father." Taylor couldn't well tell Cordelia they had had a fight about Summer's intensions of breaking Seth away.

"I know—I get that; but we both have seen how Summer's been acting towards Seth. I just can't shake the suspicion that they did _something_ last night."

"Seth and Summer have been through a lot together though—maybe it was nothing." Taylor turned and walked into the kitchen. "Do you want me to make some coffee? She had never been a particularly good liar and she feared her hazel orbs would give secrets away. Why didn't she just blurt out the truth? No doubt it would make Summer's life easier. No, apart of her hesitated because she wanted Seth to make the decision for himself; also, based on Summer's reaction from the day before, she would not be very happy with Taylor for telling Cordelia anything. Cordelia might swoop in and steal back Seth for herself.

"You'd tell me though right?"

"If I know something about Seth and Summer? Yeah." There the words lay, out in the atmosphere; Cordelia eagerly snatched at them. Taylor held the coffee pot in her hand and looked Cordelia squarely in the eye. She couldn't tell Summer and Seth's secret to her; she felt like every time she opened her mouth to speak those words memories of her friendship with Seth and Summer and all the affection and friendship and love they had given her opened up before her; those images shut her mouth and tied up her vocal cords and the only thing she could express was her lack of anxiety about Seth's disloyalty to Cordelia. "I'll let you know."

"Thank you; I knew I could turn to you." Cordelia sat down and smiled up at her friend. "You probably want to go back to bed—I would have called later but I've been so upset and worried."

"No I'm up—I'm the type that can't usually fall back asleep. Do you want anything to eat? We have some cereal?"

"No—I'm going to go back home and call Seth."

"Did you guys fight?"

"Yeah—I'm still a bit worried because he became so defensive and nervous about things when I asked him where he'd been. I don't know—it's just that they've been so tight lately that I can't escape the impression that they're up to something. I mean, you know how they were in high school."

"I know—but Seth is a good guy—he wouldn't do anything to hurt you." No, except cheat on you and go back to his ex-girlfriend.

"Well maybe I overreacted; they have been through a lot together."

"Just talk to him and let him know how you feel—maybe he just needs to know how anxious you are about Summer, I'm sure he'll be better about it. He does love you."

"I don't know about that."

"Cordelia? You don't think he loves you? Do you love him?"

"I do love him—that's why this is so hard for me. I've never loved another guy like this before." Her words made Taylor feel cold and dead inside; her heart laughed with a bitter ruefulness. Again the truth tried to throw itself up into the morning daylight, but her throat was like cement and it would not pass.

"Tell him that—he'll see how much he loves you and thinks about you—I'm sure last night was nothing; just trying to help out a friend."

"I will." She smiled brightly at Taylor and rose to leave. "Thanks so much for listening to me." Cordelia hugged her friend tightly and left, leaving Taylor standing in the kitchen, a sharp pain tugging at her heart. She sat down and thought about all that she had done; she had lied outright to her friend, and for what? So Summer and Seth could finally get back together again, so they could continue their mad dance around each other?

Taylor was not sure how long she sat there, musing, because before she knew it there was a knock at the door; looking up, she noticed that the time was nearly eleven and that she had absentmindedly had some cereal and had drunk the coffee she had been brewing for Cordelia and herself. As she rose from the table the knock sounded again.

"Be right there!" she cried and walked hurriedly to the door. Throwing it open, she found Seth before her.

"Hey."

"Hi." There was a great deal of tension marked in Seth's face and she knew that her earlier intuitions had been correct. "What's going on?"

"Well I wanted to and talk to you about Summer."

"Well that's a good thing Seth because that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about." Suddenly Taylor hit Seth squarely in the arm. "You slept with her, didn't you?"

"Why did you punch me for?"

"Seth! How long have I know you and Summer?"

"Four years."

"I think it that amount of time I've come to be able to predict your behavior." She pointed her finger excitedly at him. "I've seen this little drama unfold before you know; I saw the whole Zach episode unfold."

"So Cordelia is my Zach Stevens?"

"I guess so—what happened last night?" She lead him into the kitchen and sat down wearily. "Cordelia came by here."

"She called me to talk."

"Did you talk to her? Did you tell her the truth?"

"I didn't." He must have seen the annoyance in Taylor's eyes because he become nervous and defensive. "I cheated on her and I know it's wrong Taylor but I can't help it because it's Summer."

"The girl who broke your heart and made you miserable all last summer and fall."

"She made a mistake—she's the first one to admit it; I know she's admitted it you as well because that's why I went over there."

"Because we had a fight."

"And she was really upset by it; you hurt her feelings and she felt like crap because she knows she hurt yours."

"So you were comforting her and what? There was a moment?" Seth just nodded his head. "You want to be with her?"

"I do but at the same time everything you say about our past is true—Summer broke my heart and I don't know if I can just get back with her again."

"You have to break up with Cordelia."

"I know—I just need some"

"No—I don't want to hear how you need time; you slept with another person Seth, and she really loves you."

"All the more reason for me to take it slow—I have to get the right words together."

"You better get them together quickly." Taylor sighed and rested her head on her hand. "You really think Summer's changed?"

"I do—but I just have to get over the past." Wasn't that so true with everyone? Taylor thought about her and Ryan. They had taken things slowly at first because she had been hurt by him; yes they had slept together immediately and their passions had been intense, but Taylor hadn't really allowed her heart to be conquered for a good month. She remembered how it had happened because it was such a small gesture: Taylor had had a bad day and had called Ryan to tell him about it; even though it now seemed like a petty matter, Taylor had invested so much emotion into all the things that had made her day so rotten. Ryan of course had listened to her with full attention and then had been so supportive and sweet and funny about her day that she realized then and there how badly she had missed him and that there was no one else who really understood her the way he did.

"You will Seth—if you really want to."

"We're having dinner tonight—Summer and I; you should come."

"Will she want me to?"

"Yeah—she'd really be happy to see you."


	19. Chapter 19

It was late in the evening and Taylor sat in the apartment reading a magazine. Anna was still gone and Taylor hated the lonely feeling in the apartment. The entire day had felt surreal to her; she had gone to dinner with Seth and Summer and it had startled her to see how affectionate they were with each other. They had certainly not tried to be overly affectionate but a bubbling happiness within Summer had crept to the surface as the evening had progressed; even Seth had been taken in.

Things would be coming to a head soon, Taylor thought to herself. She had felt herself saddened at dinner and hadn't really enjoyed herself; Summer of course had been very sweet to Taylor and had apologized but they both knew that it would take time for their friendship to recover. Summer had kept so much from her for so long and had done things that she had promised Taylor she wouldn't do. Taylor knew in her heart that one day they'd be fine again, but it was still very sad for her to think that there had been time wasted in rebuilding their friendship.

There was a knock at her door and Taylor tossed the magazine to the side as she rose.

"One second." She stride to the door and smiled a confused greeting towards Summer.

"Hey." They both were being cautious around each other and Summer made sure not to appear too happy. As Taylor invited her in she noticed that Summer indeed seemed less happy as before.

"What's going on?"

"I just wanted to come by and talk."

"Oh yeah—about what?"

"I don't know—things just have seemed awkward lately between us." Taylor watched towards the kitchen and Summer began to follow.

"We hardly ever fight."

"I know and I hate it—but it feels like we've been like this for awhile, off I mean." She sat down at the kitchen table and nodded in silent agreement as Taylor offered her a glass of water.

"I felt hurt."

"Why?" Summer's dark eyes were large with a mixture of sadness and hope.

"I felt like you were keepings things from me—I mean about you and Seth. I could see you guys getting close and I had no idea what was going on." She laughed softly to herself. "I missed having my best friend telling me things."

"I wanted to but I felt bad about it all because of Cordelia." Summer shrugged her shoulders. "I know you guys are really close and I was just scared it would come between us." She looked off for a moment and played with her hair in silence before continuing. "It's kind of funny because we're at this point because I didn't say anything."

"It would have been bad either way."

"Yea I guess so." They stood in silence, neither knowing really what to say next. "Seth's at Cordelia's right now."

"What's going to happen?"

"I don't really know for sure." She shook her head and took a drink of water. "After dinner we just talked—I don't know what you said to him Taylor but he was very open and honest about things—he told me how he was worried about the future because of the past; that he was scared to commit to anything because I might leave him again. What did you say to him?"

"That if he really wants to be with you he needs to take a chance."

"I guess he listened because he seemed to really want to give it another try." She looked up at Taylor and there were tears forming in her eyes. "I know I hurt you but I really want this to work for us—I know I fucked it up before but I really do love him."

"Summer." Taylor couldn't stand to see those tears. She hugged her friend tightly.

"We're going to be okay aren't we?"

"We will—it just takes time." She held her a few moments and then pulled away, smiling down at Summer. "He's going to break it off tonight?"

"I think so yeah." Summer watched Taylor, seeming to gauge her reaction to this bit of news.

"Poor Cordelia." The girl would be heartbroken no doubt. She had put so much stock in the relationship and it was so saddening to Taylor that it was about to ripped away from her. "He's doing the right thing at least." Taylor hated it but he was doing the right thing.

"Yes—we'll be okay to start again." Taylor suddenly realized as Summer spoke those words that no doubt Cordelia would be coming straight to Taylor's. There could be nothing worse in Taylor's mind then Cordelia coming over and having to see Summer.

"Summer—I just thought of" It was almost as if fate, or bad timing had been reading her mind. Almost on cue there was a knock at the door. "Oh god."

"You don't think?" Summer seemed to be reading Taylor's mind; they both looked at each other with eyes large in fear.

"I hope not." Again there was knocking at the door; the knocking was loud and rushed, as if there was someone anxious and frantic behind the door. She glanced at Summer once last time and rose to answer the knocking; there was truly nothing else to do.


	20. Chapter 20

Taylor called out to the person behind the door that she'd be there in just another moment and as she paused at the door, she turned around to look at Summer once more. Her friend's eyes were heavy with anxiety and Taylor thought Summer might bolt for the bathroom and hide. She did not however and Taylor opened the door for Cordelia as the blonde was about to knock again.

"Cord" Before she could even finish the sentence the blonde threw her arms around Taylor and hugged her tightly. She sobbed into her shoulder and Taylor could only mutter an "Oh God" to herself. Taylor held Cordelia tightly and let her cry for a moment or two.

"Se" Cordelia began to speak but as she pulled away from Taylor to talk to her, her eyes widened in sudden surprise. "What's she doing here?" Cordelia had seen Summer and now those eyes, which had just been lit up in surprise, expressed confusion and rage.

"She just came over to talk." Cordelia stood away from Taylor and looked at both her and Summer.

"You knew?"

"I just found out." Cordelia began walking towards Summer and Taylor reached out to stop her.

"Cordelia please." Summer, seeing the blonde threat coming her way, stood up and gathered up her purse.

"It's probably best I leave—like right now."

"You bitch." Cordelia spat out and began to make a rush for Summer; Taylor however was able to catch her by the arm and she held on for dear life as Summer breezed out the apartment.

"Let her go."

"Taylor!" Cordelia's blue eyes looked extremely hurt and confused and as Taylor looked at her friend, she knew that she had to tell Cordelia the truth. She knew she was going to lose a friend but she had to be honest to Cordelia, she owed her that at least.

"It's not worth it—let it go."

"I loved him." Cordelia was crying now, tears filling her pretty eyes.

"I know." It broke Taylor's heart having to be here and as she watched her friend's heart shatter into a million pieces, Taylor felt a giant anger at Summer and Seth well inside her heart. "He doesn't deserve you."

"No." Cordelia shook her head and sat down on the couch; Taylor took a seat next to her and put her arm around her shoulder. "I knew something was going on with them but you didn't believe me; why didn't you?"

"I" If there was ever going to be a moment to open up and be honest about Taylor's roll in all this, it was this moment. Cordelia seemed to see the hesitation on Taylor's face and as it appeared to dawn on Cordelia that Taylor had known more then she had let on, resentment and anger formed in her blue eyes.

"You knew?" Taylor looked at her friend and then nodded; yes, she had known. "I can't believe it." Cordelia was standing up now and she looked like she was about to explode.

"I was so confused."

"Confused about what?" Cordelia laughed; "The answer should have been simple, you should have told me."

"I know and"

"You lied to me—all this time you've been lying to me about things."

"I wasn't sure how things were but I never lied to you."

"You knew this morning that Seth had slept with Summer and you told me that there was nothing going on" She laughed again and it was not a pleasant laugh. "You said he loved me."

"I thought maybe there was something there but I didn't know, not until this afternoon."

"And your phone wasn't working, or you weren't able to leave your apartment or write me an email?" Taylor remained silent. Whatever abuse she was going to get, she certainly deserved it. "I see—and what did you do between then and Summer coming over?"

"It doesn't ma"

"It does matter—it matters very much to me—what did you do Taylor? You had all the time in the world to tell me the truth but you didn't and I want to know what you were doing with yourself all afternoon."

"I made a mistake."

"You did. I thought we were friends but that's obviously not true."

"No Cordelia—we are friends, I want us very much to be."

"Well that's your problem." Suddenly the anger and rage drained from her face and it was replaced by a deep sadness. Taylor too felt that same sadness. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I don't know." Maybe it was because time and experience had created such a strong bond between Summer and Taylor; maybe it was because she was a coward; maybe she was just an awful person. "I hated it though."

"You don't have my pity." Cordelia looked weary and pained. Not only had her boyfriend cheated on her and dumped her, her good friend had known what was going on and had stood silently on the sidelines.

"Cordelia." Her voice had been so cruel and Taylor too felt she was about to cry. "Please."

"You guys deserve one another." She looked down at Taylor for one or two moments and then told her she hated her. Without another word Cordelia walked out of the apartment. In the deep silence of the evening, Taylor cried.


End file.
